I have fallen deeply in love with three children. One of them is Clint, a 7 year old boy who looks like a 5 year old and walks as if he is an 80 year old man. His gentle spirit and the simple joy captured my heart one afternoon as we did a scratch art project. When his pencil took away the black and rainbow colors emerged, he sucked in his breath and let out a little squeal of excitement and disbelief. My heart flipped. Over the months, I have learned pieces of his story and have learned how smart and loving this little guy is. He waits for me at the end of the hall and jumps up and down when he sees me saying “I love the day that art teacher comes!” During class this little love will lean his head on my arm to seek my approval of his work. How could I not fall in love with him? How can I not want to bring him home with me and light his face up with joy at being a part of a forever family?
But that is impossible. His paperwork has not been done for adoption and for now they say it will not be done. When I have asked about trying to help him find a family I have been told that I can’t.
“God is looking for people through whom he can do the impossible. What a pity that we plan only the things we can do ourselves.” – A.W. Tozer
I ran across this quote from Tozer a few weeks ago and it has been bouncing around in my brain ever since challenging me. It really could have been written just for me because I am so guilty of planning to do only what I can do myself and leaving Gd out of the mix. To take it a step farther….I am afraid I actually pr@y this way too. I ask for the things that seem possible or that I am sure could be answered after I have looked at the pros and cons and maybe decided to throw a dash of faith in. But, pr@ying for and reaching toward Gd sized impossible things?!
Teaching art at the orphanage, I can do that all on my own. Planning lessons and being a fun teacher…it takes effort and I have to plan it, but not impossible. It’s what Gd is doing in my heart as I feed them, learn their stories, and play with them….that is becoming the challenge. Because teaching art just doesn’t seem like enough. What I plan isn’t helping them and I am beginning to want what is impossible.
Letting my heart love those kids – it has been one of the most effective tools Gd has used in my life to shape my character and deepen my walk with him. All of a sudden I am in a place that stinks of hopelessness and impossibilites. I quickly have learned that my old habits of relying on myself won’t work. In fact I will crash and burn in a puddle of tears and hopelessness. So there has been no other option. I must look to my heavenly Father to do the impossible.
Ranna is a four year old with spina bifida. Being paralyzed from the waist down has in no way impacted the amount of spunk this itty bitty, teeny tiny girl possesses. From her little seat she tells the nannies when a child’s chin needs to be wiped and then flashes the sweetest smile to punctuate what could have been a disrespectful command. Everyone loves her – not just me. I caught the cook slipping her a piece of candy a few weeks back “because she doesn’t like the vegetables in tonights noodles.” She is a charmer for sure.
The director of the orphanage actually brought her to me when she was asking me to add more art classes to my teaching load. Ranna would be one of the students and I am pretty sure the director knows the charms of this little one and the soft spot I have for her in my heart.
I have made my affection for these two sweeties clear and have had meetings about getting them fostered and how to advocate for their adoptions. All my efforts have come to nothing. In fact rather than helping the two I already love the director introduced me to another two year old with spina bifida. When I saw his sweet face my heart stopped and fell to the floor. Love and helplessness again washed over me. I actually cried out to Gd in the moment….don’t let me fall in love with another child I can not help! “This one IS ready to be adopted. The paperwork is done yet he waits on a list to be chosen to be adopted – no one wanting to take a risk on him even though he has had surgery and the possibility of him walking in the future is real.” They explained to me in the meeting.
I find myself wanting the impossible – I want them to have a family of their own, access to medical care that might help them walk, a hope for a future outside of the orphanage walls. An art class and a bit of joy from scratch art isn’t enough.
“God is looking for people through whom he can do the impossible. What a pity that we plan only the things we can do ourselves.” – A.W. Tozer
Just wondering how I can be a person through whom HE can do the impossible. I am starting by pr@ying for these three sweet ones. From there we will see how Gd does the impossible.
Casting A Stone 