The broken clay laying around my feet mocked me. It was one more memory lost which triggered the grief that sits on the surface of my heart. There are so many things I have lost from my two adopted children- knowledge, moments, memories, photos. It stinks.
I didn’t breastfeed them. I didn’t rejoice when they first slept through the night. I missed their first tooth and I have no idea what solid foods they started eating. I wasn’t there to wipe tears or to hear giggles. We missed much.
It has been two months and we can’t figure out how to comfort our Little Man at bedtime. He refuses to go to sleep. We have tried rocking, singing, laying him down, rubbing his tummy, sitting next to him. Nothing seems to help our boy. He simply tosses and turns for up to an hour until he finally passes out in exhaustion. His only source of comfort coming from his thumb and twirling his spiky hair.
His file held one line about bedtime – “he plays till he sleeps.” My only clue…..what could it mean?
This is when I feel the loss of time. If only I could have been there for him from the beginning. He wouldn’t have to fall asleep on his own in an over crowded room in the orphanage. There would have been no crib mate to play with until he fell asleep. Instead he would have known my arms. If only….
I guess it doesn’t help to cry over broken clay. We can only press forward making new memories, learning from each other in order to bridge the gaps.
For now I sit on the floor next to my baby’s crib waiting for him to fall asleep. I refuse to leave. I am not really sure how to help him – I guess I am hoping that it will just click for both of us. I will all of a sudden learn what he needs and he will be ready to accept what comfort I have to offer.
Last night as he was tossing and turning he paused. He lifted the bumper pad and peeked underneath the corner. We were peeking at each other….eye to eye. He dropped the bumper, laid down and stuck his fingers through the slates toward my hand.
I think I will glue the clay pieces of Little Monkey’s handprint back together. Something is better than nothing. I will take what I can get.