19 hours

We have safely arrived in China and are now counting down the hours until we have Little Man in our arms.

At first I was deeply disappointed to have a whole day before meeting our son, but as we have bumped around GZ in a haze called jetlag, I now am deeply thankful to have had this day.  I hate jetlag.  In fact I am so sleep deprived right now I can hardly type straight.    Add that on top of an emotional few hours before meeting our new son.  Well, to put it nicely – I am a mess.

Almost exactly two years ago we were in this same hotel finalizing the adoption of Little Monkey.  I have been here before and I know what is about to happen.  Yes, I am going to be given an immeasurable gift!  For that I am beyond excited – but that gift comes with a price.

This time – I am walking in with my eyes wide open.

Our son is about to be plucked from an institution where he eats rice porridge and delivered to us at a 5 star hotel that holds a buffet he can’t even imagine in his wildest dreams.  He is going to be told these white people are your parents even though we even smell strange to him and he can’t understand what we are saying or wanting from him.  Oh my poor baby.

We walked through the same gardens feeding the fish sharing memories of those first few days with our sweet five year old.  She remembers very little except what she has seen in photos.  The yellow bamboo wall in her adoption announcement, the fish in the pond and the playground all marked her first few days with us.  Now she doesn’t remember a time when I was not her momma.

I know those days will come for Little Man as well.  He won’t remember the pain of this transition.  He will learn that I am mom and not a stranger to fear.  But in the mean time his little heart will be taken on a hard ride.  I am so excited to call him mine, but dread the pain it will cause him at the same time.

Tomorrow will be a day of incredible joy and unspeakable pain all at the same time.