After Adoption – Page 3 – Casting A Stone

Four whole years

Posted on September 18, 2014September 18, 2014 by Tammy

I have been feeling like tomorrow is a big day for us, but I was hesitant to say anything to our girl. Maybe it is just me.

But my doubts were put to rest as Little Monkey slipped her hand in mine while walking back from the market. “It’s been four years, right?” she asked me abruptly. It took me a beat to catch on to what she was referring to, but then I realized. She had been watching the calendar and processing along with me. As I nodded she said, “You know for four whole years you have stuck with me. Now we have been together longer than we have been a part.”

It took my breath away to hear her say those words out loud.

It is a big deal.

Crazy how life can change so much in four years. Healing has taken place, love has grown, and now it is hard to remember life without our Little Monkey. Maybe that is why four years seems like a big deal. We now remember more togetherness than we remember apartness. There are more memories as a family and pre-family memories (for good or bad) have dimmed.

I will never forget meeting our daughter for the first time. She was scared to death of us; we were the first white people she had ever seen and she later told us she thought we glowed! Such a brave almost four year old who was led into her new life that day. I don’t remember her tears, but I will never forget how she stared straight forward with a determined look on her grim little face. She looked so much older than her years.

I thought again today how she seems older than her years. I promised her brownies to celebrate the day we became a family. She smiled and said, “Family is the best present of all.”

This marks four years from a birth….the birth of our family as it is now. That is the gift we are celebrating tomorrow. Without her, without adoption, we wouldn’t know the depths of love and what family really can be.

There’s a 4 year old in the house

Posted on September 3, 2014 by Tammy

“I was born in China. You adopted me and now I am four.” That is his story and he is repeating it to me over and over. Sometimes it ends with the question, “So now I am always four?” His little mind is working hard to wrap his brain around the milestones we have been celebrating.

Within two weeks of each other we celebrated Little Man’s birthday and the day he became a Williams.

Although he is a big boy, this Little Man still loves to crawl up into momma’s lap and suck his thumb. He was snuggled in yesterday, his birthday. We had said that we were going to read a book, but the morning had been filled with the excitement of some gifts….new legos and little toy planes. He flew those toys all over the house and now he was out of gas. The book in my lap was quickly forgotten and his eyes became heavy. I took the moment to rock my boy again realizing that such moments are quickly passing as he gets bigger. Those long legs already hang over my knees. Who knows how many more times he will ask, “will you hold me?”

I now have been holding him for two years. He spent two years without me and we have been working hard to make up the moments we missed. I don’t know what he looked like as he entered the world and there is a woman somewhere who held him then and wonders what he looks like now, four years later.

We sang happy birthday to him after dinner. When we began our pitchy version of the song he began to turn circles dancing to his birthday song. What joy. My heart was full as I watched him. Celebrating his life and the undeserving gift I have to be his mom.

2.5 million people

Posted on June 10, 2014 by Tammy

Ever wonder how two country kids can end up living in a city of millions and thrive?

It’s true, Hubby and I both grew up in small towns and at least for myself the thought of living in a city of millions was unimaginable. But yesterday, we laughed again how living in a large city in this culture at times can be so like living in a small town.

Little Man and I were walking back from the market. We have learned to ignore the stares as I pull him in the wagon (Thanks to another expat friend who gave us their wagon that had been shipped over from the States. Gotta love hand-me-downs!) I was hauling my load up the small hill to the back gate of campus when a middle-aged man stepped in to help. Rare! We often get watched but don’t get helped.

I turned to thank him and a conversation began.

It started like most conversations….”So this is your son?” We chatted about us having four kids; he has one. I told him how long we lived in China and he told me he grew up in this city. He asked about Little Man’s leg and the conversation turned a bit more personal.

“Oh, yeah we all know your family. Your husband is a teacher and we see your children. We know you live on the 2nd floor in building 5, but we do have questions?

At first this could feel creepy…..but really it speaks to the communal nature of this culture. It might be a big city, but our little apartment complex filled with neighbors in high risers – they know each other and they want to know and understand me.

“Did your son have an accident which made him lose his leg? It looks like you love your Chinese children the same as your birth children, but that can’t be true. Is it? We watch you come and go….where do you work? Would you adopt a child from here? What is this thing you are pulling your son in? This is my first time seeing a wagon. You are different!”

I answered his questions as we walked through campus, knowing he would report all my answers to his wife, a teacher along side my husband. She is sure to tell the other neighbors. It is like living in a fishbowl. Maybe if I hadn’t grown up in a small town that would bother me. Believe it or not, I welcome the curiosity of my neighbors.

As they ask questions our hope is that they see something different about our family and they will be intrigued by who makes us different.

Christmas Carnival @ the Orphanage

Posted on December 16, 2013December 16, 2013 by Tammy

We created memories on Saturday as a family along with 150ish children. The international school planned a carnival for the children at the orphanage and the two big kids and I were able to volunteer with the event. Games, Santa, balloons, prizes and snacks made for a special time for the kids whose days are often the same.

One 17 year old, who is unable to walk, was carried by four volunteers to the room of the party – it was the first time he had ever been out of his room. As I watched his eyes taking in the Christmas tree mine filled with tears. I am not sure that I ever have felt the joy of Christmas more than in that moment.

Soccer Dude helped run a game, (pin the carrot on the snowman), while I made balloon animals. Roo was asked to assist one of the younger children who was unable to walk. She pushed his stroller, fed him a special treat of unsweetened applesauce, made him an ornament and sat with him near the Christmas tree so he could take in the lights.

There are few moments that I feel truly successful as a parent, but Saturday as I watched my two kids I had a glimpse of the amazing people they are becoming. Compassion and love flowed through them in a way that made my mother heart burst. Roo explained to me later that she thought loving that boy was her Christmas gift to God. Watching her was all the Christmas gift I could ever want as well. All of the volunteers saw the children, many with severe handicaps, as precious little people made in God’s image. In that humble setting with simple games, Father was being glorified.

The afternoon flew by and before I knew it the time had come to take children back to their rooms. My two kids and I escorted our small charges back. It wasn’t a silent walk. “Oh mom, let’s ask if we can bring them home with us! We have enough love for two more brothers!” The pleas stopped in their throats as we entered the infant room and they saw all of the cribs…so many unclaimed brothers and sisters. My heart always stops when I enter that doorway too.

A new little one was sleeping on the bench in the far corner. I asked the nanny about him – one month old. All the faces at the party flashed before my eyes. This is where it starts. If there is no one who claims this child then he too will grow up as an orphan…unwanted, alone with no family name. Will he be 17 and only have seen the green walls of this room? At times it feels suffocating knowing there isn’t more that we can do.

As you can guess I now had a little one I was ready to bring home as well.

When I walk away from the children’s home, I always feel such a mix of joy and sorrow. This week two of my children walked with me. I listened as they processed the afternoon and I whispered a thankful pr@yer in my heart.

Thank you Ld for blessing our family through adoption – for teaching my children to love more deeply, to have compassion and see others the way you see them. Thank you for our adoption in JC.

We needed these children more than they needed us.

Three years toward forever

Posted on September 18, 2013 by Tammy

I vividly recall waiting in a Chinese hotel room. I had just jumped out of my skin when the phone rang telling us that our new daughter was in the lobby and on her way to our room. I panicked trying to decide if I should hold the video camera, pull out a gift or just sit and stare at the door. Those few moments felt like a lifetime. I wanted to shout for joy, cry out of despair and throw-up from the mass amounts of emotion rushing through my body. Those moments were just as painful and exhilarating as the birthing moments of my first two children. Our family was about to be one more. I held my breath.

Thinking back on that day brings tears even now, three years later. My heart broke that day and grew to a capacity that I can not explain. My Little Monkey pressed me into a better person able to love in ways I never knew possible – that is the miracle of adoption.

The nannies that brought her to me would not recognize the girl dancing through my kitchen today. Her long hair flying behind her as she laughs and twirls teasingly away from her little brother. I almost could forget that she hasn’t always been here. Gone are the sad haunting eyes. She now is a six year old who loves life and ponders the meaning of everything. Just recently she asked us “Could God make a fish that is to heavy for him to hold?” Stunning. That is all I can say about this girl and who she is becoming!

It might seem funny to celebrate the day she joined our family by going roller skating. But a day hanging out as a family enjoying each other and just being thankful – perfect. Well almost perfect. As we chased each other, held on tight so we wouldn’t fall and teased Hubby for being so clumsy – I couldn’t help but feel like something was missing.

There is always an empty chair at our family celebrations…for the family we can not see but whom we are forever connected. They are missing and my heart aches for them. Somewhere there is a woman who must be hilarious, eager to help, beautiful and agile – where else would my sweet Little Monkey get these traits? There is a man who is courageous, strong yet shy. I see him in my little girl. I even wonder about siblings. I guess an empty chair isn’t enough…I feel like there is a roomful of people who are missing out on celebrating our girl. Maybe some day…

For now, we celebrate what we know. Three years. Three amazing years. Thankful for every moment and looking forward to the rest of forever.

Happy family day, Little Monkey!

Happy Family Day, Little Man

Posted on August 13, 2013August 13, 2013 by Tammy

One year ago – it was a day that changed the fabric of our family for good. A Chinese nanny placed a screaming 2 year old in my arms. What sorrow and joy mingled together that day. The gut wrenching sobs of a fearful child who was loosing everything he knew in order to gain everything a forever family could offer.

But, how can a new mother express that to her stranger child?

We paced the floor of the civil affairs office – Hubby and I taking turns trying to sooth and get acquainted with our new son. In the end, it was his sweet sister who offered her hand and comfort as she whispered, “it’s okay. I am adopted too. We will be okay.”

We knew when God gave the idea of adopting our Isaac in a dream that the journey ahead of us would be sweet (not easy mind you, but very sweet). However, I did not know that the name Isaac, meaning laughter, would fit this Little Man just as perfectly as he fits in our family. It is almost hard to recall the pain of August 13, 2012. Our home now is filled with much laughter and joy due to the little guy I met that day. Cool how God works like that.

I actually could fill this blog with many cool things like that….cool how God provided the funds we needed for the adoption. Cool how he could lead us to the right child. Cool how beauty can come from ashes. Cool how he heals hearts and love can blossom. Cool how he helps mother and child bond. Cool how he gives a child the courage to overcome physical challenges.

You get my point. It is fun to spend the day looking back on all of the miracles God pulled together in order to make us a family of 6 and to remind myself of how far we have come over the past year.

When Little Man walked into the kitchen to find me today and asked, “Can I hold you?” (Which is his way of asking me to pick him up and snuggle.) I thought back to a year ago when his body was stiff in my arms and I didn’t know how to comfort him. Today he covered my checks in kisses, dug his face in my neck and in his toddler lingo expressed his love. Miraculous. Not sure how I have gotten this blessed, how my heart is this full.

Thinking of all of you, dear children, who still live in the Maoming orphanage. When our little man was filled with sorrow from leaving the only home he had known and you his friends….I know you were filled with the sadness of a different kind. The pain of not being chosen. I haven’t forgotten you. Today I am praying that you will have the chance of a family and that your sorrow will soon turn to laughter.

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Want to walk down memory lane with me? Read about the day Isaac became a Williams.

No Longer Colorblind

Posted on August 11, 2013August 11, 2013 by Tammy

I have a bright pink hand. I love being fun mommy until clean up. This time my “fun art mommy mood” resulted in my hand being dyed and the worst part is the dye wouldn’t come off. Actually, the worst part was when I realized that I would need to go to the church meeting with a bright pink hand in less then an hour and Pinterest had no ideas for removing hot pink dye from your hand. Guess they put protective gloves in these art kits for a reason.

I hate to admit it, but as I got ready for that meeting I thought, “Should I try to match my shirt with my hand?” During the meeting, I found myself holding my bag in the pink hand hoping it would get hidden. Without thought, I even slid my hand under my leg as I sat down. I am a pretty self-assured person which made me almost laugh out loud when I caught myself hiding my difference.

Ends up…a pink hand at church was quite the little conversation starter.

I got a kick out of the different reactions: “What fun project did you do today?” another mom asked me right out. I sighed and smiled. Later another woman commented, “Oops, you had quite a spill.” I jumped in to explain. Both women kindly meant to start a conversation, and they succeeded. I enjoyed telling the ladies about the fun afternoon I had with my kiddos.

You know, the whole evening got me thinking. Because of the way I reacted to my hand and the way others reacted, my wandering brain ended up on a topic that has been causing our family to react.

Ethnicity.

Now, before you go all reactionary on me, please understand that I am not writing a post about how my white self all of a sudden understands my brown children since I went out in public once with a pink hand. Actually, the opposite is true.

Would I have fit in any better if another one of the 50 people at the meeting last night had a pink hand?

It isn’t very often that I am in the minority now. We live in sweet Southern town that is not all white, but there are no Asians. (Well, there is one Chinese family who runs a restaurant in town and I am told they have a daughter in the third grade.) This causes an internal struggle as hubby and I parent a multi-ethnic village.

But we haven’t always been in the majority. When we lived in a city of a million people in China – now, that is a time when I was in the minority. I was watched, was questioned, was misunderstood and just plain did not fit in, no matter how hard I worked at knowing the language and the culture. I wasn’t Chinese. Never would be. I could act Chinese, eat Chinese, speak Chinese – but on the outside I would always be different. I vividly remember how that felt, and it makes me sensitive to the needs of my multi-eithnic family which is living in a mono-chromatic world.

This sensitivity is the exact opposite of how I grew up. I am from a small ( I mean one stoplight small) farming community in Michigan where my whole world was white. Actually, if you had asked me back then, I would have told you that my whole world WAS NOT white. (I had one friend in science class who wasn’t. I think she was adopted. And there were a couple of girls on the track team…..) My world was small and I thought that everyone was the same and I treated everyone the same. Colorblind is how I would have labeled it. Naive is how you should have labeled me.

I often have heard people say that they don’t notice ethnicity. They are “colorblind.” And while I understand what they are trying to say, I do find it interesting that I have never been told that by any of my African-American or Asian friends. But I am getting ahead of myself in the story.

I added to my naivety by attending an almost all white Christian liberal arts school. What I learned in those four incredible years shaped my faith – but looking back, I must admit that my world view was still somewhat lacking. It was my years with InterVarsity that began my journey to really understand what it means to live in a multi-ethnic world. I had some key folks from different ethnic backgrounds who were willing to shake my rose colored glasses off my face. I began to consider the role ethnicity plays in how I view the world and how I connect with God — a learning curve that was greatly enhanced by reading and openly discussing “Being White” by Paula Harris and Doug Schaupp with our staff team.

(Side story: During this time our oldest son, who was attending pre-school, said he hated “that black kid” on the way to school. Inside, I came unglued, hyper-ventilated and was sure I was raising a bigot! I pulled it together and walked my son into pre-school where I ran into Mrs. Black whose son had been picking on Soccer Dude at recess. You can’t imagine my relief to meet the Black family who was very white. hehehehe.)

So why am I telling you all of this along with a stupid story of a dye mishap?

I am wrestling. I don’t want to raise my children to think color doesn’t matter and I sure don’t want my kids to think that they need to work hard in order to fit in and be something they are not.

But how?

I watched a documentary based on the lives of some adopted girls from China. One teen described herself as a twinkie, yellow on the outside and white on the inside. I am sure that is how many adopted children feel. Kinda white. Kinda not. That is how Roo, our second daughter, felt after spending several of her formative years in China. She announced that she wanted to be the first Chinese-American president of the United States. Hmmm. So cute, and so mixed up.

So my journey to understand ethnicity has taken on a whole new level of ferocity. For my children, (not just the two Asians, but all four), I want to instill in them a deep level of knowing who they are. We have started by teaching them they are all made in the image of God – I am still looking for ways to take it from there.

So that will be the next blog post on ethnicity. I want to keep talking about this and hearing your ideas. I am sure many of you have been at this longer and own it more deeply – so please share your wisdom and I will add my tid-bits to yours.

For now, my wisdom. Wear the protective gloves that come with the tye die kit because color does matter. Allow God to help you take off the rose colored glasses because ethnicity matters too.

Will you join me on this journey?

Fitting

Posted on April 21, 2013April 21, 2013 by Tammy

A thin man with a ponytail sat down across from Little Man pulled off his leg and said, “now your mom is the weird one in this room.” Little Man was impressed and turned to me and said, “shoe off!”

He refers to his prosthetic leg as “his shoe.” To him it is completely normal to pull it off at church, in the store or when playing at home and lately he hasn’t wanted to wear it at all. Now he has a new friend who also can pull his leg off on a whim. But this new friend didn’t just help Little Man feel normal. He helped in another way.

Little Man’s prosthetic leg and brace hasn’t been fitting well lately. It is amazing that gaining a few pounds and growing even a quarter inch can throw everything off. We are learning through every part of this process. I knew nothing about how prosthetic limbs work not to mention the importance of socks, sockets and the fit of an AFO (honestly sill not sure what that acronym stands for, but we have one!) I thought we were headed down the road to Shriner’s again and a month filled with multiple long road trips, juggling kids, babysitting and work schedules. To say I was dreading the whole ordeal is putting it mildly.

But just when I feel at the end of my rope and wonder if I can handle what God has called us to – HE PROVIDES.

This time He provided us with a new friend only an hour from our house who understands prosthetics well, because he not only builds them, but wears one. I so appreciated the folks at Rehab Engineering. They spent several hours adjusting Little Man’s braces and leg as well as teaching me how.

Empowering.

Overwhelming.

Thursday for the first time I really felt like I have a disabled son and helping him overcome obstacles is going to be a life long job. My head was swimming in medical terms and trying to wrap my brain around how to help my son. You really might not believe me – but helping him on a day to day bases hasn’t been difficult. All four of his limbs are affected by his syndrome, yet he is a very normal, bright, active, and healthy 2 year old. To call him disabled has felt ridiculous. But in this new world of doctors, therapists and prostheses it can feel overwhelming.

So I had to pause and take a deep breath.

Little Man has given me a daily reminder that overcoming obstacles is a normal part of life that when faced head on and taken a bit at a time aren’t that big of a deal.

He slid on a newly adjusted AFO. We tested his limb and figured out we needed a different weight of socks and off he ran down the hallway chasing after a nurse with the promise of a sucker. He didn’t take off his “shoe” all day. Amazing how a little sock can make such a big difference.

Yup. Some days it feels like no big deal. On other days I want to hyperventilate over a sock. But in the end I would choose this again….and if you were considering adopting a child with limb differences I would say “go for it!” There is something about watching our Little Man running down the hallway. He called my name wanting me to catch up. It is a job worth having.

Let’s keep talking

Posted on February 26, 2013February 27, 2013 by Tammy

The first question I get asked when folks hear us talking in Chinese as a family, “how do you keep it up?” I must admit we are not doing as well as I had dreamed. I have worked so hard to learn what little Mandarin I know – not making my children go through that same pain when they are in their 30’s is on my short list. I was ambitious – told myself we would only speak Chinese at home and English when we are out and about. Reality check! But, we have found a few things that have helped us not to forget what we know. (Now if I could find a way not to forget where I set down my keys.)

For those of you who have asked, here are a few resources for language that we would recommend. Of course we watch us some Ni Hao Kai Lan – but sometimes you need a bit more than that. So here you go:

Our newest find that is so super fun…..Elmo in Chinese! Little Man loves it and it is great practice for the big kids too. You can watch episodes on YouTube here.

Isn’t that fun!! We all were so excited to find these. We spent Sunday evening with a bowl of popcorn sitting around the desk watching all the episodes. I found it on the Kid World Citizen web page, a great site with many resources.

If you have younger kids who enjoy Elmo then Little Pim would also be a good tool for you. These short videos introduce a lot of new words in an easy and engaging way similar to Baby Einstein movies. Older new langauge learners also could learn a lot by watching over little brother’s shoulder! Bonus – they aren’t to annoying.

For our big kids they started out learning Chinese using the Monkey King Curriculum. The books are colorful, they teach characters along with vocabulary in a fun way. They come with a CD. If the parent doesn’t know how to pronounce the words….no sweat. Learn right along with your child as you listen together. My kids started this series in Kindergarten and advanced a level each semester.

Monkey King might not be hard core enough for some of you….if that is the case I say dive in and purchase Rosetta Stone. We use it three times a week for the older kids (and Momma has used it too!) Little Monkey who is in Kindergarten this year dabbles with it too, but it is a bit hard for her. Rosetta Stone is expensive, but worth the money. Without it I am sure I would have forgotten much of my language skills over the past two years. There is a version for homeschooling that comes with audio ( Rosetta Stone) but we have used the regular version.

Before we were ready to purchase Rosetta Stone we used Pimsler. It is a third of the price of Rosetta Stone which seemed more doable for us at the time. It is great for helping you learn conversations – actually helps you jump in with common phrases quicker than you would learn with Rosetta Stone, but if you are a visual learner it can be difficult. (aka miss artist here needed the Rosetta Stone graphics!)

Good luck to you all! If you have a resource that has worked well for you I would love to hear about it. We are always looking for more ways to keep up our language skills. Let’s keep talking and encouraging each other as we learn!

True Story

Posted on February 16, 2013February 16, 2013 by Tammy

I wish the stories I am about to share were fictional.

A woman I had known for two hours felt that it was appropriate to say in front of my son, “so because of his birth defect his birth parents didn’t want him, right?”

Not twenty minutes later, Little Man and I were walking across a parking lot. We were taking our time enjoying the warm afternoon. He was wearing shorts making his brace and prosthetic visible. A truck slowed down next to us and the driver rolled down his window. (I am not kidding!) “Lady, what is wrong with your son?”

We get into McDonalds to enjoy a mommy and son date. While waiting in line, the woman next to me says, “He has one blue leg and one…..well he is cute anyway.”

Three in a row – in less than an hour.

Many times we are seen as a curiosity, entertainment, weird, or the drastic opposite – super heroes. None are accurate and they make me sad. Yes, our family looks different and our children were born with things that make them unique – but that is the beauty of God’s creativity. I wish that people could see that rather than a limb difference or skin tone.

As mom to this crew, I am learning that I need to educate and advocate for the sake of my family. Some days are harder than others. Sometimes it feels lonely and I just get tired. I don’t want to explain myself or defend my family. I would just like people to “get” us – treat us like any other family.

Thankfully, this is a true story.

I was waiting in line in our small town’s post office. A woman, who knew my husband as a child, introduced herself. I enjoyed the small talk (ahhhh, adult conversation) including fun stories of her life as a swimming instructor. “I would be excited to teach Little Man to swim this summer.” she offered without missing a beat.

Just when you feel exhausted.

I thought I would cry right there in the post-office. She was God’s gift to me. She saw the empty pant-leg and my son’s potential to be just like other kids. Even more she was excited to be a part of his journey and to get to know our family.

What a different afternoon encounter. I am sure she had no idea why tears sprang to my eyes and she wouldn’t be able to understand the value of the gift she had just offered me. It was so much more than swimming lessons. God whispered into my heart and I didn’t feel alone.

Making my own true story.

The deep blessing of being offered swimming lessons shocked me into remembering that simple gestures can make significant impact. So just thinking…how can I be like the swimming instructor and not like the curious truck driver?

Lord, help me today to use my talents, time and money to encourage those around me.