6 years

6 years. That is how long we have had Little Man in our lives. I can honestly say that my life would be less blessed and would lack laughter, adventure, and flare if I had not been gifted this child to parent.

Recently and totally out of the blue he told me, “Good thing you named me Isaac (meaning laughter. I didn’t know he knew that.) because I am hilarious.”

I really could write a book with just his quotes, antics, and jokes. But, then again I really might not be able to capture in words how he makes me laugh so hard my sides hurt. He is funny in a way that catches you off guard. Like today when we were praying for his older brother who is getting a tooth pulled. Ouch. Little Man with all seriousness says, “Well at least he will get money for the pain.” Nudging me in the ribs, he then said, “If the tooth fairy remembers to give him a little something for it.” A knowing look shot my way with a “get it done, mom” thrown in for good measure. Hilarious!

I think back to the days before this funny kid. We were in seminary and didn’t have two pennies to rub together. For sure not the time to jump into an adoption. I had a vivid dream two years earlier that God would give us an Isaac – when I saw his photo on a waiting list the hair on the back of my neck stood on end and I knew I had seen our Isaac for the first time.  Timing was irrelevant.  Our son was waiting.

Today as I hugged him a bit tighter remembering the moment they placed him in our arms for the first time – I wanted to weep over what I could have missed. What if we hadn’t stepped out in faith to bring him home? What if we had said we don’t have the money.  This isn’t the right time.  I would probably eat fewer noodles, there wouldn’t be as many messes around my house, and things for sure would be quieter.

But this boy – this boy who flings his arms wide open as he runs – this boy who laughs with his mouth wide open – this boy who buries his face in the food he loves – he has taught me to love and laugh in ways I never would have learned without him. I am forever thankful. I would have missed so much.

81.5 million Americans have considered adoption. If just 1 in 500 of these adults adopted, every waiting child would have a permanent family. (From the Dave Thomas Foundation)

I could have been part of that statistic. For each of our adoptions – it really never felt like the right time. We never felt prepared enough to have another soul join our family. We always thought we needed more resources or finances. I am not sure what propelled us forward. God’s grace really is the only answer that makes any kind of scene.

In his grace he has gifted us with Little Man. On this anniversary of us becoming mom and son – I want to share how thankful I am that I didn’t miss out.

Pursued

I like to be seen as a strong one — able and all together. But, man, I have had some moments when I come to an edge of myself and wonder what will talk me back down.

I was having one of these moments last month as I was driving my girls to meet their Aunt. They had set up a girls weekend with their Aunt, who lives in another city, and we were going to meet halfway for her to pick up the girls.

I was running a bit late for the meetup — all the time wondering how I was late because I had felt ahead of things not 30 minutes before. You know the drill — we are all on time, but then one kid needed to use the bathroom. One kid couldn’t find his leg (a real life problem in our home). I was scrambling for the GPS directions on my phone and Roo had to run in for one more item, one more time.

On time had now turned to LATE.

Twenty minutes into our forty-five minute drive, I realized I did not have my cell phone. The phone with the GPS directions. The phone that gave me the ability to call my sister-in-law.

Seriously, all I could remember was that our meet up location was at some gas station on a country road in the middle of nowhere — but not past the river. If I made it to the river, I had gone too far.

So it was decision time. Turn around to get the phone and be even later? Drive and hope I find some random gas station through the woods — but not over the river?

I was getting hot. Panicking. Knowing I was going to be disappointing those around me. Late would be later. Late would be lost. Having it all together was coming unglued. You know what I mean?

I have the ability to tell myself all kinds of stories in my head. They can be filled with God’s truth or they can be laced with my own harsh expectations for myself. It is in these moments that I have a choice. That day I was starting to go down the path of not showing myself grace. Driving, fuming, wondering why this was the thing that was causing me to unravel. I’m struggling with all these thoughts while trying to find our meeting place.

My mind was whirling…

Wait. Is that a river I just crossed — or is that considered a creek in these parts? Have I gone too far? Do I turn around or keep going? We sure are in the middle of no where!

The five kids in the van with me were silent watching me come increasingly unglued as I kept driving without a cell phone — without GPS. For the love, why am I so dependent on a cell phone?!

Just when I was sure we had gone too far and missed the gas station, one came into view. A gas station with my husband sitting in the parking lot holding my phone.

He had pursued me.

He had realized I left without my phone and gambled on which way I would go. He decided to be late for the meeting that he had scheduled to ensure I would not end up upset and lost. We won’t mention how fast he had to drive to beat me there!

When I saw him, the tears started. The true narrative of my soul was brought back into focus. I am loved. I am pursued. I am protected. If my husband (who I admit isn’t perfect — just amazing) will do all of these things, how much more my Heavenly Father?

Why am I sharing this story with you? Actually, this post is more for me than you. I don’t want to forget that I am a pursued woman. One who is loved so deeply by God. When life feels out of control, I want this story to be the one that comes to my mind. These truths are what I want to quiet my soul when the world would blare the opposite.

Zephaniah 3:17 says, “The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.”

God’s love has saved me. It is a steadfast covenant that I can count on. His love never ends and is the message that I want to share with my life. But, you know what I need to claim most often? You know what message I need to repeat over and over? The thing I need to write on a note card and put in my pocket?

God’s love can quiet me and my Lord rejoices over me.

When I am late, missing the mark, unglued, disappointing everyone else. When life feels out of control with small things like forgetting my cell phone or with large things like cancer, politics and injustice…God is pursuing us with the goal of quieting our souls. We are pursued. Loved. Kept.

Repeat the story of God’s love in your head and heart. Sing it. Remember it. Live it.

The end of another year

I have a little ritual – to write an end of our year review for homeschool. I started these posts for my mom, but they have morphed into a memento of sorts for me too. I love looking back and seeing how far the kids have come over the year….and even taking a peek at years past.

With a son who will be entering his 3rd year of high school, now more than ever, I feel the need to really slow down and recognize how far we have come. We started this homeschool journey when Soccer Dude was entering 1st grade. With a few years off while we lived in Kentucky, we have been at this for 8 years. Actually, I should write a post about how far I have come as a home educator. I knew nothing back then! Maybe I will add that for next year. For now, I am celebrating the end of another year.

Here is a peek at what the kids have learned this year, where they are headed, and some encouragement to myself that we have accomplished a lot during this crazy year. Wohoo for another year in the books!

Moe: Age 3 (our pre-school comic relief) This guy is everyone’s favorite. Each of the big kids take a turn playing with Moe as I homeschool. That really is one of the only ways I can keep sane while homeschooling 5 children with a pre-schooler under my feet. What started out as a chore (babysitting) turned into the privilege everyone fought over. Moe is just fun to be with. Play dough, reading picture books, forts, light saber fights…the kids all love finding ways to keep their three year old brother entertained during school time. You can bet that he also entertains us as he pretends to be a cat or a kangaroo.

Favorite subject: trucks and tractors

What he wants to be when he grows up: Grandpa

Favorite food: hot dogs

Biggest accomplishment: Moe has been in our family for just a bit over a year. Hard to believe when you hear him talk. He rocks English. He narrates EVERYTHING. “Look. There is a truck coming. That is a big truck. I like trucks. Mom, do you like trucks? Trucks can go over speed bumps.” On and on it goes, in perfect english. He is amazing.

Little Man: (Our 2nd grade graduate.) This guy is as smart as he is hilarious. He has taught me more about dinosaurs and the Jurassic period then I ever have cared to learn. He also can pronounce more dinosaurs names than I can.

Favorite subject: Math and geography (because he can do it fast.)

What he wants to be when he grows up: Archeologists

Favorite food: Chinese noodles

Biggest accomplishment: Little Man attended an art class that I taught for local kids. This year I have seen his Chinese language skills improve, his ability to make local friends has improved and our outgoing dude is blossoming. During one class I caught him challenging the boys to see if they could stomp on his foot hard enough to make him cry. I couldn’t help but laugh at all of the boys who were in awe over how strong Little Man is – none of them can stomp hard enough on his fake leg to make him flinch! I wonder when he might show them that he wears a prosthetic! That is our Little Man for ya.

Little Monkey: (completed 5th grade) It might be time for a new nickname for this sweet young lady. She is growing and maturing so quickly. It is fun to see the person she is becoming. We spent a chunk of time this year helping her determine her talents, gifts, and what she enjoys doing. She feels most comfortable following her big sister’s footsteps – but it has been fun to see her come into her own a bit this year.

Favorite subject: Geography and literature. It is even better if those two things are combined.

What she wants to be when she grows up: unsure

Favorite food: rice

Biggest accomplishment: urged on by one of her best friends, Little Monkey has determined to practice piano enough hours to make herself an expert. Based on the idea that 10,000 hours of practice can make you an expert in a field – she has upped her piano practice time in hopes that she can be an expert before she is mom’s age!

Roo: (will be starting High School in the fall!) This girl loves the arts. Painting, drawing, playing piano, knitting, crafting….you name it. Our home would not be the same without this creative spirit who is always pressing us to do school in a new way, bringing a creative twist to our lessons and thinking of some new fun way to entertain her brothers.

Favorite subject: She would say art and that she hates math – but really she is very good at math and language. This girl can diagram a sentence better than her momma.

As a family we based our homeschooling on My Father’s World’s curriculum “Exploring Countries and cultures.” Roo has loved our family read a-louds that are based on expats who have lived and worked around the world. We were all inspired by the series “Christian Hero’s: Then and Now.” We plan to read many more of them. This year, I have watched this tendered hearted girl fall in love with and have a heavy heart for a particular country and people group. Makes me wonder where she will end up one day.

Favorite food: ice cream

Biggest accomplishment: I will let this photo of one of her art projects speak for itself. I love seeing her art skills develop. This is was an assignment she did after studying famous artists including Van Gough.

B: (Surprise addition to our homeschool crew.) This guy is so very smart. I can’t even begin to put it into words. Our original goal was to slowly introduce him to our educational ways – let him hang with Little Man with 2nd grade work as he learns english. No pressure for him or for me. HA! I saw in the first week that wouldn’t work. We did placement after placement test for math. When he aced the 5th grade placement test even though he has had little formal education, I knew it was going to be hard to keep a head of this kid. He is learning words in math like parallelogram, is racing through Rosetta Stone English and is being diligent in his Explode the Code series.

Favorite subject: Math

Favorite food: gan ban (A Chinese noodle dish)

Biggest accomplishment: acclimating to our family. He has rocked this life change. I can’t say enough about how strong, flexible, kind, and tender-hearted this kiddo is. So thankful that he has joined our homeschooling crew this year.

Soccer Dude: (10th grade graduate – he is half way through High School!) We made a lot of changes in homeschooling this guy. Last year he was enrolled in an online High School. It was a good solid program and he did well, but it was hard on all of us to have him at the computer all day long. So this year, he took two classes online and we went back to traditional homeschooling the other courses. I was nervous at the beginning of the year, but it has been so much better for all of us. I am thankful to be more involved in his schoolwork again, he has taken more initiative in his learning, and we are having some big and good conversations. Who says parenting and homeschooling the teen years are hard? I am learning with them and enjoying this journey….even with the bumps along the way.

Favorite subject: Science (that is a new things this year!)

Favorite food: grilled bratwurst (can you tell he spent more time in the states this year?!)

Biggest accomplishment: Grieving well. This might sound like a weird thing to put here, but seriously this guy has been an example to me. He is leaning into Jesus as he has walked through the grief of saying goodbye to a foster brother he adored and loosing both of his grandmothers. When we transitioned to the States for the spring semester he did it with strength that rarely is seen in a teenager. He has handled it all well and is finishing his 10th grade year with all A’s. I am proud of him – not just for his high grades, but for setting aside his life and friends to help his Papa. It gives me a glimpse into the great man he is becoming.

I have never been so ready for our summer break. It has seemed like a long year and I have often felt that I could not meet all of the educational needs of these 6 souls – not to mention keeping our home going! I appreciate looking back over the year and seeing how God has met all of our needs – the needs of the kids and mine!

I am taking a deep breath and enjoying the beach before it is time to start another round of the Williams academy.

Unexpected diagnosis

It just “happens” that we were asked to adopt the now 14 year old who has been on our hearts for years. We said yes. As a family, this is who God has called us to be. We didn’t go looking to adopt again. We thought we were done. God had a different idea. When you commit to following Jesus and loving the people He puts in your life, the journey can be very different than what you expect.

We are experiencing this truth in full force with our new son, B. It was a miracle that God brought him to us and provided for his adoption in four short months. We continue to see that miracle unfold as we watch him grow and blossom in our family. We tried to prepare ourselves for what adding a teenager to our family would be like. I had prepped myself for teenage attitude, bonding difficulties, anger and meltdowns. That has not been our reality. He has blown every one of our expectations out of the water. He is sweet and kind with his new siblings. He willingly is learning our family ways and takes joy in being with us. He is learning English at an alarming rate (he learned the English for isosceles acute triangle in Math. How does he know a word that I just had to look up how to spell inorder put it in this blog post?!) He also is becoming stronger with physical therapy, and he loves s’mores, 4-wheeler rides and a good game of “Quick Cups” or “Exploding Kittens.” In general he is a happy and kind kiddo – a wheelchair rolling miracle, and I am so blessed to be a part of his amazing life.

Our expectations for our new son also did not include a diagnosis of Spinal Muscular Atrophy. The test results are in, and we are so very thankful to know the root cause of his muscle weakness. At this time, we aren’t sure what this diagnosis means for him or for our family. We are consulting with multiple doctors, looking into treatment plans and trusting that God is in control.

We would appreciate your prayers in the coming weeks as we continue to seek how to best care for B. We specifically need prayers for wisdom and guidance. This journey God is taking us on….it isn’t what we expected, but we are thankful for the unexpected joy of a teen who so easily has loved us and is a blessing to love in return and we are also thankful that we serve a God who is never surprised by the unexpected. Trusting Him.

A birthday to remember

I am one of those moms. You know the type. The sappy (let a few tears drip into the frosting as I make cupcakes for my babies who seem to grow a year older behind my back) momma. But this birthday celebration – a few tears did not do it justice. Every time I looked at our new son on his birthday, tears sprang to my eyes.

We have missed 13 birthdays with this boy. 13. Adding emotion to that fact, we have been counting down the days to this 14th birthday. It was the deadline. If we did not have all of his adoption paperwork completed by his birthday, it was a no go. By Chinese law children are unadoptable at their 14th birthday.

We adopted him 10 days before his birthday.

Can I just type that sentence one more time so that you can feel the force of its drama? 10 days before his birthday he got a family. His miracle (and ours) happened 10 days before it was too late. That is worthy of many grateful tears from this momma. Amen?! Call me sappy if you want.

We enjoyed celebrating our new son on his 14th birthday which happened to fall on Chinese New Year’s Eve due to the lunar calendar. We made cupcakes and had gifts, but added making dumplings (traditional Chinese New Year food), staying up till midnight and setting off fireworks. It is a birthday, for many reasons, that we won’t forget.

A few more photos of our dumplings and Chinese New Year celebration….

and a few more words about how our transition is going.

We were preparing for a rough road with a teenager who hasn’t lived with a family. Instead, we are experiencing grace filled days with a delightful young man who is embracing his new life….and our family. We feel incredibly blessed. Maybe it is the honeymoon phase – but we are taking every moment and storing up these sweet memories that will be treasured and will help if harder days come. We would appreciate your continued prayers as we get to know each other and find a new normal for our family. We are starting the Chinese New Year with thankful hearts for all that God has done to make our family and with great hope of all that will come to pass in this year of the dog!

Family Day

This is the story of a 13 year old boy who joined our crazy crew.

If I am completely honest, the story of this child being added to our family is one that I can only fully tell sitting at my kitchen table over a cup of coffee with extra sugar and cream. Even then, I am sure I would struggle with the words to describe…..the surprise factor. Miraculous provision. Hurdles that God overcame. Agencies willing to work over time on our behalf. Generous friends and family. Anxiety over the unknown – sweet confirmation in the face of the fear and grief. Obstacles. Tears. Victory.

Oh, the stories I have to share.

Friend, until we meet for coffee, these photos and few words will have to do. They will give you a peek at the miraculous adoption that took place.

I have never been so relieved to be in a government office signing papers and pressing our fingers into red ink. We promised to care for and not abandon the teen, who sat next to us taking it in silently with wide eyes. As the translator explained to “B” what we were signing, my hands shook as so many thoughts came to my mind. “Can he understand that we truly mean the promises we are making? How long will it take for him to trust that we are the forever deal?”

I thought that signing the papers felt big to me, but as I watched this brave, strong boy sign his own name as he agreed to enter a new strange life, I cried. I cried because of the hurdles had been crossed to make this possible. God had brought us together. I sniffled because a child should never have to sign this type of paper. My heart screamed at the idea of all that had happened before this day.

A child being without family is an injustice – everything that leads up to it should not be. But there is redemption. When I look at the smile on B’s face in this next photo….when we were holding the book that gives him our last name…it reminds me that there are second chances at love that only come about through grace.

A new beginning with three brothers and two sisters and some crazy white parents – that might just take any strong person down. But this guy entered our family and home with a quiet smile and a determination that puts me to shame.

We spent our first afternoon playing games and getting to know each other on these new terms we have agreed to. I am not sure what I expected, but for sure I didn’t think he would be laughing over Uno and Quick Cups. I never dreamed he would be calling us mom and dad. I never would have pictured him leaning in to tell his new sister a joke with a gleam in his eye.

We celebrated this new chapter in our lives at our favorite Chinese restaurant- Hot Pot. As a party of 8, we now fill a whole table by ourselves. I took it all in wanting to treasure the moment in my heart – all of us together.

As joyful as a new beginning can be, it also means an end. Our brave new son needed to say goodbye to the home he has known for the past nine years. The next day we walked the halls of the orphanage handing out small gifts trying to help B find a bit of closure.

The story I wish you all could hear and understand – it would be a story of the generosity and love that I witnessed as the children and nannies said goodbye. I wish I had a photo of the teen (who will never be adopted because he was not chosen before his 14 birthday) who pressed a few small bills of Chinese currency into the palm of B’s hand stating “Good luck in your new life.” I wish you could see the hat that another teen gave – a teen who B calls “big brother.” I can’t describe the tender moments of his teacher who cried as she hugged his neck. And for sure, I can’t even describe how wrecked my heart was by his nanny. She pulled me aside sobbing – “I will miss him. He has been like a friend. But I can’t tell you how happy I am that he is saved from a lifetime in the institution. Do you know how bad the place is where the 17 year old kids go?” She cried as she shook my hand saying, “Thank you for taking him.”

Over the past month, I have had a heightened awareness of joy and grief and how they go hand in hand. My heart has struggled to comprehend my deep grief as I said goodbye to my mom, but the sweet relief and joy I felt at knowing her struggle was over. I am over 40 and I can hardly handle the depths of those two emotions that stand side by side in my life.

As I look at my new son, I see the joy and the grief that co-exist. I understand it in a way I never did before. How hard it must be at 13 years old to say goodbye to all you have known, even when you understand something as good as a forever family is waiting for you.

Our first days together have been great. He is accepting us, trying all the crazy American food that I serve him, and learning all the rules to the games the kids pull out to teach him – but please do pray for him. Pray that he feels comfort and peace that go beyond his understanding. Pray he is able to experience new joy every morning. Also please pray for us – that God will guide us in knowing how to love and care for him well.

On Monday

On Monday I will become a mom again. Since this is my 6th time, you would think it would be old hat. But, there is something about it. By birth or by adoption when the time comes for a precious soul to be placed in your care, there is fear and trembling as well as joy and anticipation.

I will never forget walking the halls of the hospital in labor for Soccer Dude, our oldest. I knew my life was hours from changing. Then as I dressed him to take him out of that very same hospital two days later, I realized that I didn’t have a onesie to put on him under his perfect going home outfit. I wasn’t sure how to buckle the crazy car seat carrier thing. I looked at all the bags and stuff we had to carry to the car and panic started to set in. “I don’t know what I am doing?!” And I really doubted the sanity of the medical profession, “Do they really let me just walk out of the hospital with this kid?! Don’t they see how unqualified I am for this job as mom?!”

A hospital or a government office…the feeling is the same. We prepare for months for this (okay, a lot faster for this adoption! 14 weeks from start to finish. Our adoption agency is freak’n awesome and God has moved mountains!) We have done mounds of paperwork, I have clothes ready and a new set of bunk beds added to the boy’s room – but there is still part of my heart that is trembling.

The situation with this adoption is very unique. We know the teen that is joining our family since he lives at the orphanage in our city and attends the special education school where I am the art teacher. The orphanage gave us permission to be there when he was told that our family would be his new family. I was so super bummed to miss the meeting as I was in the States with my parents, but happily woke up in the middle of the night to FaceTime for a few moments. Isn’t technology awesome?

Hubby explained that we would like to be his new family. He gave him a photo of our crazy crew and introduced him to what his new life might be like. The news was shocking for sure – B sat and took it all in. He then smiled and said. “I agree.”

Our hearts were so full to hear those two simple words. He agrees to join us and become the newest Williams.

The few precious moments I had with Hubby and B on FaceTime were so good for my heart. I was able to tell him that I was sorry we couldn’t tell him earlier that we wanted him to be part of our family. He simply smiled and nodded.

As my knees quake in these last days before he comes home, I think back to that conversation. He smiled. He agrees. What a unique, special, ordained way to become mom.

You would think that a mom 6 times over would be filled with confidence, wisdom and strength….actually, the more I do this the more I see how inadequate I am for the task of shepherding these souls. The little things like forgetting to pack a onesie for the ride home from the hospital – HA! I know how much bigger the mistakes can get. But I also know who is in control and that His grace is the only thing that can guide me through the task of loving another person well.

Grace. That is what I am asking for in the coming weeks. Pray that God gives it to me in large doses. Pray that God gives it to our whole family in large doses. May this bend in the road of our family teach us to love more deeply and lean into his grace more fully.