Tammy

Expecting the Impossible

Posted on April 7, 2014April 7, 2014 by Tammy

I have fallen deeply in love with three children. One of them is Clint, a 7 year old boy who looks like a 5 year old and walks as if he is an 80 year old man. His gentle spirit and the simple joy captured my heart one afternoon as we did a scratch art project. When his pencil took away the black and rainbow colors emerged, he sucked in his breath and let out a little squeal of excitement and disbelief. My heart flipped. Over the months, I have learned pieces of his story and have learned how smart and loving this little guy is. He waits for me at the end of the hall and jumps up and down when he sees me saying “I love the day that art teacher comes!” During class this little love will lean his head on my arm to seek my approval of his work. How could I not fall in love with him? How can I not want to bring him home with me and light his face up with joy at being a part of a forever family?

But that is impossible. His paperwork has not been done for adoption and for now they say it will not be done. When I have asked about trying to help him find a family I have been told that I can’t.

“God is looking for people through whom he can do the impossible. What a pity that we plan only the things we can do ourselves.” – A.W. Tozer

I ran across this quote from Tozer a few weeks ago and it has been bouncing around in my brain ever since challenging me. It really could have been written just for me because I am so guilty of planning to do only what I can do myself and leaving Gd out of the mix. To take it a step farther….I am afraid I actually pr@y this way too. I ask for the things that seem possible or that I am sure could be answered after I have looked at the pros and cons and maybe decided to throw a dash of faith in. But, pr@ying for and reaching toward Gd sized impossible things?!

Teaching art at the orphanage, I can do that all on my own. Planning lessons and being a fun teacher…it takes effort and I have to plan it, but not impossible. It’s what Gd is doing in my heart as I feed them, learn their stories, and play with them….that is becoming the challenge. Because teaching art just doesn’t seem like enough. What I plan isn’t helping them and I am beginning to want what is impossible.

Letting my heart love those kids – it has been one of the most effective tools Gd has used in my life to shape my character and deepen my walk with him. All of a sudden I am in a place that stinks of hopelessness and impossibilites. I quickly have learned that my old habits of relying on myself won’t work. In fact I will crash and burn in a puddle of tears and hopelessness. So there has been no other option. I must look to my heavenly Father to do the impossible.

Ranna is a four year old with spina bifida. Being paralyzed from the waist down has in no way impacted the amount of spunk this itty bitty, teeny tiny girl possesses. From her little seat she tells the nannies when a child’s chin needs to be wiped and then flashes the sweetest smile to punctuate what could have been a disrespectful command. Everyone loves her – not just me. I caught the cook slipping her a piece of candy a few weeks back “because she doesn’t like the vegetables in tonights noodles.” She is a charmer for sure.

The director of the orphanage actually brought her to me when she was asking me to add more art classes to my teaching load. Ranna would be one of the students and I am pretty sure the director knows the charms of this little one and the soft spot I have for her in my heart.

I have made my affection for these two sweeties clear and have had meetings about getting them fostered and how to advocate for their adoptions. All my efforts have come to nothing. In fact rather than helping the two I already love the director introduced me to another two year old with spina bifida. When I saw his sweet face my heart stopped and fell to the floor. Love and helplessness again washed over me. I actually cried out to Gd in the moment….don’t let me fall in love with another child I can not help! “This one IS ready to be adopted. The paperwork is done yet he waits on a list to be chosen to be adopted – no one wanting to take a risk on him even though he has had surgery and the possibility of him walking in the future is real.” They explained to me in the meeting.

I find myself wanting the impossible – I want them to have a family of their own, access to medical care that might help them walk, a hope for a future outside of the orphanage walls. An art class and a bit of joy from scratch art isn’t enough.

“God is looking for people through whom he can do the impossible. What a pity that we plan only the things we can do ourselves.” – A.W. Tozer

Just wondering how I can be a person through whom HE can do the impossible. I am starting by pr@ying for these three sweet ones. From there we will see how Gd does the impossible.

Diversity

Posted on March 29, 2014 by Tammy

The whole apartment was filled to the max and buzzing with conversations, laughter and games. But, in that moment, four young ladies had pulled me aside and I was taking a minute to get to know them.

One of the reasons we love living here and what makes teaching these students so exciting is diversity. Three of the four of my new friends were from different minority groups. Before we had visited Ch!na we pictured everyone as Han – the majority people group. I couldn’t have been more naive.

Of the girls I was chatting with one was T!betian, one from a muslim people group Hu!, and another from the Tu people group. As I listened to them tell me about their different villages, food and customs I was struck again – I love living here with these people!

The university where Hubby is teaching has a new policy to only accept local students from this province. This is helping students from the countryside who are part of minority groups get accepted into the school. Of Hub’s freshmen oral English class %90 are from Q!nghai which accounts for the greater diversity in the open houses and student activities that we plan.

It isn’t just Hubby’s classes – as I am getting aquatinted at the orphanage I am learning of the diverse backgrounds of the teachers, nannies, foster families and also the children. Just two examples, the teacher who is quickly becoming my closest friend is Hu! and a 7 year old new arrival to the children’s home is T!betian.

With diversity comes challenges. We are working hard to understand and get to know the people who have been placed in our lives. They all respond differently and bring different cultural understandings to our table. We enjoy a good challenge but could use your thoughts as we strive to connect and love our friends here well.

Kicking Tail

Posted on March 24, 2014 by Tammy

The last two weeks we have been in the full swing of things….and it is kicking our tails. We just can’t seem to catch the rhythm of everything. Hubby and I are both teaching, homeschooling, open houses with English students and just day to day living here (which takes more work.) When I type it out it doesn’t seem so much, but we are feeling it at the moment.

Yesterday, after scrambling to get all the homeschooling done in time to pick up the paper I needed for art class at the orphanage, I forgot to make bread and hang up the laundry. Crazy how forgetting one day of wash (when you don’t have a dryer) can really get you behind. Breakfast with no bread wasn’t pretty either, I might add. This isn’t even mentioning that I totally had to wing art class because I had forgotten that my class was changed to Monday from Tuesday. Sigh. At least I had bought the paint paper!

It’s times like these that I switch into Super Woman mode. I pretend to have it all together even when I know that life is kicking my tail. Maybe if I would run from the kitchen to the laundry I would be able to squeeze in the spelling test I need to give Roo. When it doesn’t work – when my hurried steps don’t get me anywhere faster….then I want to throw up my hands and say I just can’t do it all. {DUH!}

So I have been thinking a lot over the past week – how do I hit a rhythm. Where do I dig when I need an extra something something to do what I am called to do. That’s when I read a simple sentence that made me pause. A coincidence that this verse was the next in my daily reading. Totally not.

“He must become greater; I must become less.” Jn 3:30

I stopped dead in my tracks as the words sunk deeply into my soul.

John the bapt!st was asked how he felt about JC bapt!zing and everyone now following him. I can almost picture him not missing a beat and explaining that “a man can only receive what is given him from heaven.” He explains that his JOY is complete because he has seen JC come and JC is to be greater and himself become less.

I know it doesn’t totally apply to our crazy semester – but then again it does.

How, did John have that attitude about his min and life. I so want that!

In my busy season would that my heart say, ” GREAT. BRING IT ON. I only have what has been given me from heaven and may HE become greater.”

Yup, this semester is kicking our tails – may it be that He is greater as I walk through it.

Run of the place

Posted on March 12, 2014 by Tammy

What do the kids of a professor do for fun? They act like they own campus, of course!

Look at this Little Man riding his new trike without needing his prosthetic leg strapped to the peddle!

Around the campus and back again!

Laughing as we make art together!

Posted on March 2, 2014 by Tammy

Today, I learned the word for marble in Chinese. Funny the words I learn and use while teaching the kids at the orphanage! When I learn a new word I then teach the kids in my class the word in English. (I try my best teaching in Chinese, but there are just some words like marble they don’t teach you in language classes!) As we learn together, the kids think it is hilarious to hear the weird English words and to try the feel of them on their tongue.

A little girl, about 9 years old, gave me a hug and said, “Teacher your English is so good. You must have studied really hard in school.” The nanny and I started to giggle as we explained that I am American so English is what I speak at home. “Oh,” she said in awe. “That is why your English is so pretty to listen to and your Chinese is so bad!”

Gotta love the honesty of kids. They keep me laughing.

Today’s project had them laughing out loud as well. I have been collecting boxes for the last couple of months to use for this special project. We taped paper in the bottom of the box, dipped marbles in paint, and they tipped the box around to make the marble “paint” on the paper. It was great exercise for the students with disabilities that affect their core strength, easy for the kids to do who are unable to use their arms — and fun for all of the kids! I was shocked to hear them laugh out loud as they watched the paint roll back and forth with the marbles.

Trains, Planes and Rickshaws!

Posted on February 25, 2014February 25, 2014 by Tammy

Since I last wrote, we have traveled by bus, train, plane, boat and rickshaw.

After a long and exhausting day (exhausting, is the nice word I came up with after sitting here and pondering for several moments) of traveling we couldn’t find taxis. Only 4 people are allowed in a taxi, so we need two. We opted to jump in two of these crazy contraptions with our luggage for the last leg of our journey. The kids thought it was hysterical. My husband kissed me and said this is why he married me. Hehehe – I guess it only takes me being a bit crazy to keep him crazy in love with me!

Where did we go that was worth traveling by rickshaw?

We went to a community center in south China to meet up with others who work with our company teaching english in various parts of Asia. In part this was to fulfill the yearly requirement of training, but it wasn’t just training (although there was a good deal of that). We enjoyed getting to know others who live lives similar to our own – we worshiped together, studied together, shared stories and gained encouragement. On top of that, the kids loved the classes and activities that were prepared for them!

I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t mention that I also enjoyed not cooking, staying in a western guest house that had a washer and dryer! We also enjoyed the english library and playground along with some warmer weather. I am embarrassed at how much pizza, hamburgers, and coffee we consumed. I am not a huge McDonalds fan – but there is something about not having a hamburger for 6 months that makes a Big Mac and a Diet Coke taste super yummy. The drink I got at Starbucks was also heavenly!

While we were there we celebrated Little Monkey’s 7th birthday. Birthdays are a big deal in our family and I have never tried to pull one off while away from home. It stressed me out a bit. But, I should not have worried. All the kids at the conference enjoyed pitching in for a birthday bash for our girl and our sweet leaders planned a special evening of activities – cupcakes, an orbz ball (kinda like a human hamster ball that kinda made me want to be sick but the kids thought it was grand fun) and fireworks! She deemed it the “best birthday ever” as she watched the fireworks and ran around with her new friends spelling her name with sparklers.

After the conference we tacked on a few days of rest at an M guest house. More reading, more western food, more warm weather and new family memories.

The short of it.

We are now trained, rested, fattened up, and ready to begin a new semester!

Chinese New Year celebrations continue

Posted on February 4, 2014February 4, 2014 by Tammy

Day one of Chinese New Year (CNY) a chinese family is at the home of the husband’s family. Day two they are with the wife’s family. Day three is set aside for friends and co-workers. After spending day one with our orphanage “family,” we were thrilled to spend day three with some of Bryan’s fellow teachers at the university.

We went thinking we were prepared for an afternoon of food and celebrations that started with Chinese New Year gifts. For us dried dates and a packaged dried duck. Yes, you read that right. An entire duck, bone and all, pressed, salted dried and shrink wrapped in a package that is now only an inch thick. I have it in hand and still can not really fathom it. Never seen anything like it. We handed out oranges (a common CNY gift) and apple pie (not so common as you can imagine.) They weren’t sure what to do with the sweet gooey dessert that didn’t seem to be chopstick compliant and I sure don’t know what to do with a dried duck. Even.

The photo doesn’t do it justice. I almost had Hubby take it out of the package for a better photo, but then I can’t re-gift it to my neighbor if I bust it open. 🙂 I have since been told I can put the dried duck in a pot of boiling water and it will “pop” back out. Anyone want to come for dinner this week? I will make it!

Back to CNY celebrations….Our hosts out did themselves cooking. The food was amazing and my children ate so much I might have been embarrassed if we were in the States at an American home. Thankful for me, good Chinese hospitality offers you way more food than necessary and eating till you might get sick is expected.

Don’t get me wrong, even if we were good guests in how much we ate….we were still in our high glory. One of our littles dropped and broke a glasss, another spilled an entire tumbler of tea and yet another had a bathroom “incident.” The other families all have one child – mostly teenagers and are in awe of our whole crew. We proved their theory that I am crazy busy and half out of my mind….but our host said, “You are busy but happy.” Points for her looking deeper than our chaos and not getting angry at our crazies!

As I looked around the room as we lounged, chatted and made connections it hit me that it is moments like these (chaos and all) that are the reason we have come.

Not Earth Shattering, but Huge

Posted on January 31, 2014 by Tammy

We confirmed every stereo type of fat Americans as we pushed a cart to the check out line of the grocery store filled with 30 bags of snickers, 30 bags of peanuts, watermelon seeds, sweet rice cakes, and instant coffee. You should have heard the comments! And they didn’t even see how many oranges hubby bought at the market!

We confused and mystified the other shoppers and we also confused the nannies and workers at the orphanage who weren’t sure just what to make of us when we arrived gift bags in hand. As we passed out the treat bags today, the comments were of a vastly different nature. We often had to repeat ourselves explaining that we were giving them a gift….just to wish them a happy new year…just to make working today feel a bit better….just to give us a chance to love them and share with them a greater love. (OK granted, I might have had to repeat myself a few times due to faulty Chinese. Full disclosure!)

I would love nothing more then to have an earth shattering story to share with you as a result of today.

Not earth shattering, but as the nannies looked me in the eyes smiled and asked me to make sure I didn’t miss giving a bag to the worker at the end of the hall. That felt huge.

When I walked into the kitchen and our kids gave bags to the cooks and they made a big deal over meeting my family – that felt huge.

When we were invited into the room of one of my students to share snacks and tea with his roommates, it was a moment that took me beyond being a teacher – that felt huge.

I wave at the gate guard every time I come and go from the orphanage. After giving him his bag today, he waved back. Huge.

I am not sure how to explain the door that has been flung open. For reasons beyond myself, I have been given permission not only to teach art classes, but also to have full access to the orphanage (well, except for the infant room. More on that in a different post.) Full access just doesn’t happen. I am able to come and go, play with the children, pop into different rooms, and give attention to whatever child I feel led to love on that day. I then help feed dinner to the older disabled children to finish off my time. It is weird to have a foreigner walking around helping and loving kids. The other workers don’t know what to do with me. Today I hope they can understand me a bit more.

A smile from a nanny, a question about my family, and a wave from the guard….they all feel like huge steps toward the goal of deeper relationships and built trust.

One step at a time.

I love knowing it will make a difference – in me and hopefully to those around me.

———————————————————————–

On a family note:

I didn’t take one picture today. Can you believe that? Little Man handed out bags that were almost the size of him….it was adorable, but you will have to just pretend you can picture it! I am sure the memories we made today as a family will stick with us with or without photos.

Had a friend question me last week about taking all four of our kids to help. Surely taking two adopted children back to an orphanage would be painful and might cause some meltdowns. We considered that and in the end decided to pr@y hard and take the risk.

Loving others and reaching out isn’t always safe, easy and without pain. If my time at the orphanage hasn’t taught me anything else, it has taught me that. To be honest, I could say that about adoption too.

All four kids did great.

Actually the introvert of our crew, Soccer Dude, was the one I thought would have a “moment” when a child latched on to him. He turned and wrapped the child in a big bear hug and smiled. Serving today took him out of his comfort zone, but I would say that loving the kids at the orphanage will make a difference in Soccer Dude’s life and then in turn make a difference in the lives of others as well.

So maybe not earth shattering, but today was huge…in many ways.

Chinese New Year Gifts －过年的礼物

Posted on January 29, 2014 by Tammy

The only way for me to describe Chinese New Year (CNY) is to equate it with Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the Fourth of July all rolled into one. Everyone travels and visits family….every night for at least a week thus the country comes to a grinding halt for one big party. Gifts of fruit, new clothes, and money in red envelopes are given. Special foods are made like dumplings and long life noodles. Kinda sounds like Christmas and Thanksgiving on steroids, right?

The Fourth of July part….well, that’s the fireworks. Lots of them. Every night. It is amazing the first night….one of my most vivid memories from our first CNY was our neighbors hanging a broom handle from their 6th floor apartment window with lit firecrackers dangling from it. Unbelievable. Bryan was amazed at the people standing in their living rooms and shooting Roman Candles out the window. Seriously, for a week it sounds like we live in the middle of a war zone.

On a side note, I also had to do some creative shopping this week to make sure we were stocked for food and other essentials. Restaurants, the market and most stores close for about the next week.

So how are we celebrating?

We are ready with oranges, red envelopes and the fixings for dumplings, but we decided to take our celebration up a notch this year.

As you can imagine having to work on Chinese New Year would be a huge bummer. But for the staff at the orphanage, there are still children who need to be fed and taken care of. You can’t close down a children’s home for a week of celebrations.

We have been given permission to bless the 30 nannies who have to work CNY by passing out gift bags. Nothing has been done like this before and we are thrilled to have the opportunity. We have prepared bags with favorite Chinese snacks, some American candy, instant coffee, oranges, and hand lotion. Our family is going to go from room to room handing out the bags during the children’s nap time. We are hoping it brings a bit of joy to the workers and lets them know they are appreciated for their hard work.

But more than that…..

Would you think about us on Friday? Well, actually it will be Thursday evening in the States! We are trusting that our gifts will be understood from the heart from which they are being given (gift giving in China is actually a tricky business). We want trust and relationships to be built through this gesture, but more importantly we would be seen as his hands and feet.

We will let you know how it turns out!

Till then, Happy New Year . 过年快乐！

New country same foot in mouth disease

Posted on January 27, 2014 by Tammy

For any of you who know me even just a teeny tiny bit, you know that embarrassing moments and stories seem to follow me. Okay, maybe I have a bit to do with it. I really don’t mean to be such a crazy white woman, but….well, sigh! If you consider that I live in a country that is not my own, speaking a language that isn’t easy for this blonde to grasp – you can imagine the outcome is even more hilarious stories where I am turning red and wondering what went wrong.

This is one reason I love teaching art to special needs kids. They get me. They show me grace when I make mistakes, say the wrong things and I can be my crazy messy white self and have no fear. Until…..

Oh friends….

I am in the middle of a very messy paint project that included straws and my declaration that we could paint fireworks (we did by the way. it was so fun!) When our classroom was taken over by some very official looking people, the orphanage director and a camera crew. My heart stopped. I wiped the paint from my elbow and smiled a wobbly grin as the children jumped to their feet to greet the visitors.

Did you hear my inner groan?

I knew it was even more official and the people even more important than I at first feared when the children started greeting them with practiced phrases that I really don’t understand the full meaning of.

Now, I find that I can get by with a lot if I smile and nod. It works for me.

Not today.

I was being introduced in front of the video camera as a volunteer teacher who also teaches at the university. They turned to ask me what I teach at the university. Wanting to set the record straight I jumped in with my best Chinese.

“Oh, umm, my LOVER is a teacher at the university not me.”

What?!

I am not even sure why the word LOVER came out of my mouth, but it did. (The word that flew out of my mouth is a slang word which can mean husband, but usually means, well you know.) Hubby is my lover, too much info maybe, but the truth and I am not ashamed to say it….except in front of a TV camera, in front of my class of students, and in front of the director of the orphanage. AHHHH. I turned four shades of pink as giggles could be heard in the class.

All of a sudden the proper word for HUSBAND came to my mind. I stood there wanting to bang my head against the wall repeating the word over and over. Zhongfu. Zhongfu. Zhongfu. During which time I missed the second question of my interview.

Lord have mercy.

I smiled and nodded.

Yikes.

“How long do you plan to teach art here?”

By the time this third question came flying at my befuddled brain I was a mess. I shrugged my shoulders and said. I don’t know.

It was over that fast.

My lover and I are teachers and we have no idea how long we want to be here. Who knows what I agreed to in the middle.

There you have it.

May the interview not be on the five o’clock news…that is all I have to say.

I laughed till I had tears over the whole stupid thing with a friend later. It felt so good. I needed to laugh at myself like that. Some days at the orphanage, loving those kids, but not knowing how to best advocate and help them….it is intense. I often cry. Today I laughed.

Maybe that is why Gd allows embarrassing moments to follow me. He knows I need to lighten up a bit.

That is my story for tonight. Off to make dinner for my lover, oh achem, I mean husband!