building trust – Casting A Stone

No pity hugs, please.

Posted on April 19, 2018April 20, 2018 by Tammy

I am new at this – but I am not. Maybe, I just feel new to being a mom to special ability kids because I still fumble to find the right words. I don’t think quick enough on my feet to diffuse a surprising situation, and I am still shocked over how folks will treat someone they see as disabled.

I want to start by saying that I don’t intend to rant or rave. I am not complaining, and I am not sure a blog post is the place to really help anyone understand kiddos with special needs. Inspired by this post, I realize that we have to tell the stories of our amazing kids. I really think that many people have not spent time with kiddos who might be labeled in society as disabled. So, I hope this post can serve as a peek at some of the things we face, comments that are made, and what we experience.

Little Man has spent times in and out of a wheelchair leading up to and after re-amputation surgeries. We always have to find a new rhythm. During these times, I realize anew how inaccessible the world can be to those who are immobile, as well as how unaware folks can be.

For example, there is one handicapped stall in the bathroom. Four other stalls are unoccupied, but for some reason the handicapped stall is being used. The desire for extra leg room means that Little Man has to wait unnecessarily to go to the bathroom. What stall your choose in the bathroom…it matters.

At the grocery story, children point, stare and ask rude questions like, “What is wrong with you?” – and all the while the parent stands by gawking. Saying nothing. Word choice matters. Body language matters. I so wish in these situations (Yes, I did mean to make that plural. You could change the location from grocery store to park, church, beach….it happens everywhere.) I wish I could pull the child and parent aside – smile and say- “Let’s not use those words. How about you ask us about the bandage or about the wheelchair?

At times even when comments aren’t made, folks will turn away (or even run from us) hoping to avoid uncomfortable situations or words. Like one day at the park when Little Man’s leg falls off coming down a slide. A child sees his leg flying down the slide first. She screams. Cries. Instead of helping his daughter engage and understand, her dad grabs her by the arm and literally runs. Their park visit cut short because they just weren’t sure what to say or do when my son’s leg came off at a bad time.

I am not new at this. We have been learning the language to use. Preparing our children how to be kind even when those around us don’t exactly know how to handle us. I step in to explain and hopefully help those we encounter to see the world through the eyes of our kiddos….just a little bit. Our goal is for our kids to understand that they are special, loved, unique. There is nothing wrong with them.

So, I thought I was ready. A teen in a wheelchair kinda fits with my experience.

But, not really.

I wasn’t prepared for everyone who really is trying. They want to connect – to include our son in conversation and to help him experience things around him. I think folks just don’t know how to do that. They look at him and wish his life was different – that he didn’t have to be in a wheelchair – and wonder why life handed him this difficult hand. (In other words – pity.)

I truly want to believe that this all comes from a very good place in the hearts of people – but there are just a few things I wish I knew how to change…..

I am walking through the store with two teenage sons. If you wouldn’t dream of patting my other teenage son standing beside me on the head, then please do not consider doing that to my teen in a wheelchair. No head pats. It also is not appropriate to push his chair for him, to offer to help with wheelchair transfers, to ask about his medical condition, to lean down into his personal space or to hug him.

(Frankly, hugging is a big deal. No pity hugs. No. No. No. And actually while we are on the subject – not pity waves, no pity hellos, and hold all pity comments to yourself.)

Why? Why do I become tongue twisted when a woman at church leans down to my teenage son kisses him on top of the head and hugs him? My son who she had never met before. My son who is in a wheelchair and can not lean away. That, my friends, was a pity hug. A hug that says I wish life wasn’t like this for you.

I appreciate the sentiment and the effort, but I really wish I had the chance to have a redo with this woman. I would explain to her that my son has strength, perseverance, and a good attitude thru tremendously difficult situations. I’d invite her to sit with us and get to know how amazing he is…just the way God made him. I have learned so many things from him. I know this woman could too – then she would be in a place to give him a real hug.

At an airport playground a boy came up to Little Man who was wearing shorts and pointed to his leg. “That is weird.” He said. My son replied….”It isn’t weird. Let me show you.” He takes off his leg and starts to hop. “My super power is that I can hop longer than anyone else.” The little boy and his brother stood and stared. I was biting my nails wondering when I should jump in myself. Then I heard the words….”Wow! That is so cool!” Before this lion momma did anything in defense of her cub, Little Man had half of the kids in the play place hopping on one leg. He did out last them all. The next hour was filled with good play. That is how change happens. Weird turns to cool. Pity never takes root. Abilities are seen and applauded.

B won’t be having hopping contests at a play place, but you can get to know him too. He enjoys conversation. You can do this by taking a step back so you can look him in the eyes, pull up a chair next to him or even squatting down next to his chair. (Not sure if I can explain, but that is all very different than leaning down into his space.) Listen to his newest tongue twister – he loves finding new ones in Chinese and now in English too. He loves playing board games and going for walks. You could hold the door for us. Let B carry your bag. He loves helping and is awesome at teaching folks new words in Chinese if you are interested in learning.

Hopping along side my one legged wonder or sitting next to my strong teen – that is where you will find hope alive. Those are the positions that make change happen. Help us write a different story – a story of open communication and seeing things from a different perspective.

No one Reads Them Books

Posted on January 17, 2015 by Tammy

They thought I had lost my marbles. I guess that isn’t anything new. Many of the things I ask of my sweet students and the now trusting Chinese teachers make them shake their heads. Did she really say…..? They wonder if it is my bad Chinese or one of my crazy ideas.

“Yes, yes I did just tell the children they could use car wash mitts and loofahs to paint…but first let’s have a bit of sensory fun!”

Once little hands were coxed inside the wash mitts that seemed to dwarf their tiny arms the giggles did not stop. Who knew a wash mitt could tickle so much. Some were thrilled to then thrust their new toys into the paint, others were’t as sure. The teachers themselves had their doubts and reminded me there would be a huge mess to clean up. I had prepared for their doubts over our unconventional paint brushes.

What I hadn’t prepared for…the blank stares when I pulled out a children’s book that had inspired our art lesson for the day. I forget. It isn’t as common for a Chinese parent to sit and read books to their children and for sure the children living at the Children’s Home were unaware there might be the luxury of a care-giver having the time and space to draw them into a lap for a story.

“They won’t listen.” one of the teacher’s told me.

“Then let them look” I defended.

“They can’t understand.”

“Then let us teach them”, I whined back.

I had similar conversations all week as I pulled out my book for each group of children.

There are moments that I forget the children in my classes are orphans. Seriously. I know that sounds almost as crazy as using a car mitt for a paint brush, but it is true. They are kids. They are like normal kids that you might have in any classroom.

Then it will hit me.

I will pull out a book and their stark reality will hit me in the face again.

No one reads them books.

Little Man’s favorite book at the moment is one of those “find the plane hidden in the picture” type books. I have read it so many times since my mom bought it for him in September (Yes, that would have been 5 months ago. Uhh, Thanks mom! Thanks a whole bunch.) I read it on auto pilot. I have gotten so sick of it. “Honey,” I try to reason with him, “you already know where all the planes are on the page!! It’s not even a great story and you know the ending!” See I am kinda crazy. I try to reason with a four year old. He will have nothing to do with it. His fat little finger flies over the page pointing out each hidden image (in order I might add) as I read the words…again.

His big sister offered to read the book to him this afternoon letting me off the hook, but somehow the book isn’t so bad anymore. I get to be the one who reads him a book. How cool is that?

No one reads them books. How sad is that?

What are we going to do about that?

Double the classes: Double the fun

Posted on September 21, 2014 by Tammy

My Chinese is still a bit rocky, but I totally understood the argument that was taking place in the halls of the orphanage on Tuesday – my first full day at the orphanage.

“She can teach art to blind kids. My class wants art too!”

I wanted to burst out laughing at the sweet Chinese teacher who was going to bat for her kids to have art. She and I have become good friends over the year (I taught a different class with her last semester) and now that she has moved classrooms she was advocating for me to move with her.

Only the Father could grant me so much favor and allow doors to open for me to love on the kids at the orphanage. Teaching the three classes last semester was one of the greatest joys of my life….so I am stepping out in faith knowing 8 classes this semester will be even better. But, I must admit (blind kids or not) I am feeling in over my head. One of my new classes is a group of foster kids and their moms as well as community parents and their special needs children. The special education director introduced me to the class with a smile saying, “Tammy speaks awful Chinese but she is great with our kids.” That is a note of confidence to start a class with. I was sweating as I looked into the eyes of the adults in the room. It is one thing to mix up my words with a group of kids….adults make me nervous! I soon forgot my older audience as we started playing with playdough!

The game has changed. I now have an official printout of my class schedule just like the other teachers. I have been invited into the break/office space the other teachers share and I am getting to know ALL of the kids at the Children’s Home. At this rate, I joked with my husband that I will know every special needs child in our city of 2 million people!

You know what I am learning through all of this…again. I really love kids with disabilities! They are the best and I am so thankful that G.d is stretching me to love more fully and deeply. But I can’t do this alone. Double the classes means I need double the creativity and double the energy. I already see how G.d is providing for me to do this work through a supportive husband who is taking over the homeschooling on Tuesdays. I also am more thankful than ever for the supplies that were brought to us this spring/summer and all of the supplies and gifts given to us while we were in the States. The older kids loved making paperbag puppets with googley eyes this week!

Tuesdays and Thursdays are the days I could use some extra pr@yers as I strive to love the kids well and ultimately show them a deeper more eternal love.

Pizza Party Good-bye

Posted on June 30, 2014 by Tammy

There are moments when you know you have come a long way (and that there is so much further to go…Amen?!) I had one of those moments as I talked to one of the teachers at the orphanage. They had planned a pizza party for our last Friday class together as a way to say good-bye for the summer. My heart was so warmed!

I have been hoping for deep life-giving relationships with the workers at the children’s home. I volunteered at the orphanage for a year in the past and never really was able to build relationships with fellow workers. I still am in awe over the open doors and how favored my time at the children’s home has been since our return almost a year ago.

They bought all the ingredients for the pizza and set it up in the orphanage “apartment.” One of the classrooms is set up like a home, full kitchen, living room and bedroom, to teach the kids what a home is like. Both of my classes crammed into the tiny apartment and with remarkable attention watched as I mixed the dough and made pizza for them. I looked up from kneading the dough to their sweet faces starring at me – it felt like we were a family. I love them all so much, at times I feel like I could just burst.

We were using the common oven you can find in these parts; they are the size of a toaster oven. There was a lot of waiting as we baked the dough, put on the toppings, baked again. The pizzas were very small so we went through this process four times. The kids waited patiently and entertained themselves by looking at photos of themselves as I took them.

One Chinese teacher carried the first pizza over her head and exclaimed to the kids – “Your American pizza party!” It made me laugh as I took in our small square treat. They had decided to top the pizzas with Chinese hotdog (it is like spam in my opinion) mutton, carrot, onion and tomato. I did put my foot down and told them I would bring the pizza sauce. “No, ketchup is not what we use in the States as Pizza sauce!” HaHa. So “American pizza” is a term I would use loosely when describing what we ate…but the kids sure did enjoy it. The beauty of these kids, they are honest. So I know they weren’t pretending to like it!

The second pizza was cut into tiny squares and carried up and down the hallway of the orphanage to be shared by the kids who are not in my classes. It was so fun to hear the excited exclamations over eating pizza…and in between meal time at that! We also had a steady stream of nannies coming to take a peek at the recipe which led to us planning a shopping trip over the weekend so I could introduce them to the import store where you can buy mozzarella cheese. Relationship building at its best and I think I might just have started to become a part-time cheese supplier. Who knew?

What a great way to end the semester. I hate to see it come to an end; it feels like we just got things rolling. I have high hopes that the 6 weeks we have off won’t set us back, but I will be able to pick up the relationships right where we left off come the fall.

Hmmm….maybe we will have to start the fall semester with me planning a cookie party for them at my apartment? Already planning and dreaming for next semester!

Not Earth Shattering, but Huge

Posted on January 31, 2014 by Tammy

We confirmed every stereo type of fat Americans as we pushed a cart to the check out line of the grocery store filled with 30 bags of snickers, 30 bags of peanuts, watermelon seeds, sweet rice cakes, and instant coffee. You should have heard the comments! And they didn’t even see how many oranges hubby bought at the market!

We confused and mystified the other shoppers and we also confused the nannies and workers at the orphanage who weren’t sure just what to make of us when we arrived gift bags in hand. As we passed out the treat bags today, the comments were of a vastly different nature. We often had to repeat ourselves explaining that we were giving them a gift….just to wish them a happy new year…just to make working today feel a bit better….just to give us a chance to love them and share with them a greater love. (OK granted, I might have had to repeat myself a few times due to faulty Chinese. Full disclosure!)

I would love nothing more then to have an earth shattering story to share with you as a result of today.

Not earth shattering, but as the nannies looked me in the eyes smiled and asked me to make sure I didn’t miss giving a bag to the worker at the end of the hall. That felt huge.

When I walked into the kitchen and our kids gave bags to the cooks and they made a big deal over meeting my family – that felt huge.

When we were invited into the room of one of my students to share snacks and tea with his roommates, it was a moment that took me beyond being a teacher – that felt huge.

I wave at the gate guard every time I come and go from the orphanage. After giving him his bag today, he waved back. Huge.

I am not sure how to explain the door that has been flung open. For reasons beyond myself, I have been given permission not only to teach art classes, but also to have full access to the orphanage (well, except for the infant room. More on that in a different post.) Full access just doesn’t happen. I am able to come and go, play with the children, pop into different rooms, and give attention to whatever child I feel led to love on that day. I then help feed dinner to the older disabled children to finish off my time. It is weird to have a foreigner walking around helping and loving kids. The other workers don’t know what to do with me. Today I hope they can understand me a bit more.

A smile from a nanny, a question about my family, and a wave from the guard….they all feel like huge steps toward the goal of deeper relationships and built trust.

One step at a time.

I love knowing it will make a difference – in me and hopefully to those around me.

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On a family note:

I didn’t take one picture today. Can you believe that? Little Man handed out bags that were almost the size of him….it was adorable, but you will have to just pretend you can picture it! I am sure the memories we made today as a family will stick with us with or without photos.

Had a friend question me last week about taking all four of our kids to help. Surely taking two adopted children back to an orphanage would be painful and might cause some meltdowns. We considered that and in the end decided to pr@y hard and take the risk.

Loving others and reaching out isn’t always safe, easy and without pain. If my time at the orphanage hasn’t taught me anything else, it has taught me that. To be honest, I could say that about adoption too.

All four kids did great.

Actually the introvert of our crew, Soccer Dude, was the one I thought would have a “moment” when a child latched on to him. He turned and wrapped the child in a big bear hug and smiled. Serving today took him out of his comfort zone, but I would say that loving the kids at the orphanage will make a difference in Soccer Dude’s life and then in turn make a difference in the lives of others as well.

So maybe not earth shattering, but today was huge…in many ways.