park outing – Casting A Stone

No pity hugs, please.

Posted on April 19, 2018April 20, 2018 by Tammy

I am new at this – but I am not. Maybe, I just feel new to being a mom to special ability kids because I still fumble to find the right words. I don’t think quick enough on my feet to diffuse a surprising situation, and I am still shocked over how folks will treat someone they see as disabled.

I want to start by saying that I don’t intend to rant or rave. I am not complaining, and I am not sure a blog post is the place to really help anyone understand kiddos with special needs. Inspired by this post, I realize that we have to tell the stories of our amazing kids. I really think that many people have not spent time with kiddos who might be labeled in society as disabled. So, I hope this post can serve as a peek at some of the things we face, comments that are made, and what we experience.

Little Man has spent times in and out of a wheelchair leading up to and after re-amputation surgeries. We always have to find a new rhythm. During these times, I realize anew how inaccessible the world can be to those who are immobile, as well as how unaware folks can be.

For example, there is one handicapped stall in the bathroom. Four other stalls are unoccupied, but for some reason the handicapped stall is being used. The desire for extra leg room means that Little Man has to wait unnecessarily to go to the bathroom. What stall your choose in the bathroom…it matters.

At the grocery story, children point, stare and ask rude questions like, “What is wrong with you?” – and all the while the parent stands by gawking. Saying nothing. Word choice matters. Body language matters. I so wish in these situations (Yes, I did mean to make that plural. You could change the location from grocery store to park, church, beach….it happens everywhere.) I wish I could pull the child and parent aside – smile and say- “Let’s not use those words. How about you ask us about the bandage or about the wheelchair?

At times even when comments aren’t made, folks will turn away (or even run from us) hoping to avoid uncomfortable situations or words. Like one day at the park when Little Man’s leg falls off coming down a slide. A child sees his leg flying down the slide first. She screams. Cries. Instead of helping his daughter engage and understand, her dad grabs her by the arm and literally runs. Their park visit cut short because they just weren’t sure what to say or do when my son’s leg came off at a bad time.

I am not new at this. We have been learning the language to use. Preparing our children how to be kind even when those around us don’t exactly know how to handle us. I step in to explain and hopefully help those we encounter to see the world through the eyes of our kiddos….just a little bit. Our goal is for our kids to understand that they are special, loved, unique. There is nothing wrong with them.

So, I thought I was ready. A teen in a wheelchair kinda fits with my experience.

But, not really.

I wasn’t prepared for everyone who really is trying. They want to connect – to include our son in conversation and to help him experience things around him. I think folks just don’t know how to do that. They look at him and wish his life was different – that he didn’t have to be in a wheelchair – and wonder why life handed him this difficult hand. (In other words – pity.)

I truly want to believe that this all comes from a very good place in the hearts of people – but there are just a few things I wish I knew how to change…..

I am walking through the store with two teenage sons. If you wouldn’t dream of patting my other teenage son standing beside me on the head, then please do not consider doing that to my teen in a wheelchair. No head pats. It also is not appropriate to push his chair for him, to offer to help with wheelchair transfers, to ask about his medical condition, to lean down into his personal space or to hug him.

(Frankly, hugging is a big deal. No pity hugs. No. No. No. And actually while we are on the subject – not pity waves, no pity hellos, and hold all pity comments to yourself.)

Why? Why do I become tongue twisted when a woman at church leans down to my teenage son kisses him on top of the head and hugs him? My son who she had never met before. My son who is in a wheelchair and can not lean away. That, my friends, was a pity hug. A hug that says I wish life wasn’t like this for you.

I appreciate the sentiment and the effort, but I really wish I had the chance to have a redo with this woman. I would explain to her that my son has strength, perseverance, and a good attitude thru tremendously difficult situations. I’d invite her to sit with us and get to know how amazing he is…just the way God made him. I have learned so many things from him. I know this woman could too – then she would be in a place to give him a real hug.

At an airport playground a boy came up to Little Man who was wearing shorts and pointed to his leg. “That is weird.” He said. My son replied….”It isn’t weird. Let me show you.” He takes off his leg and starts to hop. “My super power is that I can hop longer than anyone else.” The little boy and his brother stood and stared. I was biting my nails wondering when I should jump in myself. Then I heard the words….”Wow! That is so cool!” Before this lion momma did anything in defense of her cub, Little Man had half of the kids in the play place hopping on one leg. He did out last them all. The next hour was filled with good play. That is how change happens. Weird turns to cool. Pity never takes root. Abilities are seen and applauded.

B won’t be having hopping contests at a play place, but you can get to know him too. He enjoys conversation. You can do this by taking a step back so you can look him in the eyes, pull up a chair next to him or even squatting down next to his chair. (Not sure if I can explain, but that is all very different than leaning down into his space.) Listen to his newest tongue twister – he loves finding new ones in Chinese and now in English too. He loves playing board games and going for walks. You could hold the door for us. Let B carry your bag. He loves helping and is awesome at teaching folks new words in Chinese if you are interested in learning.

Hopping along side my one legged wonder or sitting next to my strong teen – that is where you will find hope alive. Those are the positions that make change happen. Help us write a different story – a story of open communication and seeing things from a different perspective.

Some of our favorite things

Posted on January 4, 2015January 4, 2015 by Tammy

We have used the last days of our holiday break to do a few of our favorite things…hot pot and ~~ice skating~~ ice sledding. We might not have public playgrounds for kids or malls to walk around, but there are some fun things to pass the time in our city. Sledding and bike riding on the frozen lake is definitely high on our list of fun things.

Our family tradition is to eat hot pot on January 1st. Everybody gets a tiny soup type pot sitting in front of them and you cook your food in that pot. It is kinda like fondue, but even yummier! It also is a bit exciting with an active four year old. Little Man + a boiling pot + raw meat = entertainment that borders on danger.

Ice sledding…you might wonder what that is. In all my yankee days I have never seen anything like it. Sleds are fit with blades (like what are on ice skates). You use metal poles to push yourself around on the frozen pond. They also have bikes that run on blades and are propelled forward by peddling. Super fun but so hard to steer and stop. There is a theme to the fun in our city. It all tends to be border line on dangerous. Just kidding. Kinda.

Our Northern peeps really should think of starting a business with these sleds!

Anyone who wants to brave the cold and visit us in the winter, we will totally take you for spin on this lake!

Going out

Posted on June 8, 2014June 9, 2014 by Tammy

Butterflies in my stomach…I have had them ever since I was called in for a meeting at the orphanage. Children’s Day (like Mother’s Day or Father’s Day in the States) was quickly approaching and they asked me to help make it special for the kids. It was the first time they asked me for help. Usually it is the other way around….I offer help and see if they approve it or even want it. This was a huge deal for them to approach me and I was excited, but really nervous wanting to do well.

We planned two events for kids this past week with the help of some international students who are visiting Hubby’s university. Couldn’t have done it without these students who served and loved well! They blessed my socks off!

On Children’s Day – when the park was filled to the max with families taking their children to the park – we also loaded up 12 taxis filled with volunteers and children. Each volunteer was matched with a child for the afternoon to be their buddy. The orphanage staff choose the 20 children we could take to the park and I was thrilled to see that the list consisted mainly of kiddos who don’t get a chance to get out often – kids with severe autism, kids that are blind and kids who were unable to walk. It all made this momma sweat a bit thinking of being responsible for them. Any doubts I had flew from my mind as we wheeled them out of the orphanage. One boy, who I often feed dinner to on Monday and Fridays, called out “Kai Xin” (happy) over and and over as we placed a hat on his head and took him out into the sunshine. In that moment I would have signed over every Sunday afternoon for orphanage outings if they had asked me!

The afternoon wouldn’t have been listed as the best ever Children’s Day in the book of most children. The group wheeled the kids around the park, we played with bubbles and finished the afternoon with a special yogurt treat and a Hersey’s kiss. The kids were content to watch people walk by and to have one on one attention for the day. They were not content with only one Hersey’s kiss! Note to self to sneak in chocolate treats more often!

The second outing came about after another meeting. Word had gotten around that I had some friends helping with an outing for Children’s Day. The foster care department then asked me to help them with an outing for the foster families. If I was nervous about the first request….well this one gave me a heart attack. They asked us to plan interactive games and to train foster families how to play with children to promote physical and mental stimulation. “We know Americans parent differently and are very accepting of disabilities…show us what you do.” Ummm, yeah. No pressure. Heehehe.

The second outing was even better than the first….for me at least. We had planned games using a parachute, exercises based on the Eric Carle book “Head to Toe” and sidewalk chalk art (of course!) – but it wasn’t the planned activities going well that made the day a huge hit for me. In the midst of the party we were having at the park, I looked around at the 30ish foster families and their children and was overwhelmed.

These families are caring for children – day in and day out – with needs like spinal bifida, limb differences, and blindness….just to name a few. They are going against the cultural norm and loving children who have been set aside. One foster mother told me about the 17 children she has cared for till their adoptions to the United States and then introduced me to the sweet one she is caring for now. With love she told me how this two year old girl still can’t walk, “but I have hope for her!” Wow. What love. What sacrifice.

Over the afternoon I felt such a deep connection with these families who look different from the average Chinese family. As I gave them a book and a bubble wand at the end of the afternoon I was wishing it was so much more. I wanted to hug them tight and whisper in their ears – “well done!”

Because they gave me a gift. I don’t feel as alone anymore.

I often look around the orphanage and see a need that is oppressive. This week I realized that some times the need can be met with something as simple as an outing to the park. I also have met a whole new set of friends who are battling the needs right along with me.

So glad I ignored the butterflies and pushed through.

Blessed.