married life – Casting A Stone

I like to be seen as a strong one — able and all together. But, man, I have had some moments when I come to an edge of myself and wonder what will talk me back down.

I was having one of these moments last month as I was driving my girls to meet their Aunt. They had set up a girls weekend with their Aunt, who lives in another city, and we were going to meet halfway for her to pick up the girls.

I was running a bit late for the meetup — all the time wondering how I was late because I had felt ahead of things not 30 minutes before. You know the drill — we are all on time, but then one kid needed to use the bathroom. One kid couldn’t find his leg (a real life problem in our home). I was scrambling for the GPS directions on my phone and Roo had to run in for one more item, one more time.

On time had now turned to LATE.

Twenty minutes into our forty-five minute drive, I realized I did not have my cell phone. The phone with the GPS directions. The phone that gave me the ability to call my sister-in-law.

Seriously, all I could remember was that our meet up location was at some gas station on a country road in the middle of nowhere — but not past the river. If I made it to the river, I had gone too far.

So it was decision time. Turn around to get the phone and be even later? Drive and hope I find some random gas station through the woods — but not over the river?

I was getting hot. Panicking. Knowing I was going to be disappointing those around me. Late would be later. Late would be lost. Having it all together was coming unglued. You know what I mean?

I have the ability to tell myself all kinds of stories in my head. They can be filled with God’s truth or they can be laced with my own harsh expectations for myself. It is in these moments that I have a choice. That day I was starting to go down the path of not showing myself grace. Driving, fuming, wondering why this was the thing that was causing me to unravel. I’m struggling with all these thoughts while trying to find our meeting place.

My mind was whirling…

Wait. Is that a river I just crossed — or is that considered a creek in these parts? Have I gone too far? Do I turn around or keep going? We sure are in the middle of no where!

The five kids in the van with me were silent watching me come increasingly unglued as I kept driving without a cell phone — without GPS. For the love, why am I so dependent on a cell phone?!

Just when I was sure we had gone too far and missed the gas station, one came into view. A gas station with my husband sitting in the parking lot holding my phone.

He had pursued me.

He had realized I left without my phone and gambled on which way I would go. He decided to be late for the meeting that he had scheduled to ensure I would not end up upset and lost. We won’t mention how fast he had to drive to beat me there!

When I saw him, the tears started. The true narrative of my soul was brought back into focus. I am loved. I am pursued. I am protected. If my husband (who I admit isn’t perfect — just amazing) will do all of these things, how much more my Heavenly Father?

Why am I sharing this story with you? Actually, this post is more for me than you. I don’t want to forget that I am a pursued woman. One who is loved so deeply by God. When life feels out of control, I want this story to be the one that comes to my mind. These truths are what I want to quiet my soul when the world would blare the opposite.

Zephaniah 3:17 says, “The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.”

God’s love has saved me. It is a steadfast covenant that I can count on. His love never ends and is the message that I want to share with my life. But, you know what I need to claim most often? You know what message I need to repeat over and over? The thing I need to write on a note card and put in my pocket?

God’s love can quiet me and my Lord rejoices over me.

When I am late, missing the mark, unglued, disappointing everyone else. When life feels out of control with small things like forgetting my cell phone or with large things like cancer, politics and injustice…God is pursuing us with the goal of quieting our souls. We are pursued. Loved. Kept.

Repeat the story of God’s love in your head and heart. Sing it. Remember it. Live it.

We had been living out of suitcases for at least 5 weeks by the time we hit Ohio. The kids were fighting in the van and I was nervous about the friends we were about to see in our state of mind. That is when Hubby pulled onto Brice Road. We looked at each other and smiled ignoring the chaos. At a church called Brice 17 years ago, that is where it all began.

We have moved 8 times, finished degrees, experienced two births and three adoptions, lived in 3 countries, learned two languages, and worked countless different jobs since that hot day in September. I had no idea what I was getting into!

That is exactly what I was thinking as I asked our kids to tumble out of the van to take photos on the steps of the church. We have a photo of our young selves all dressed up in a tux and white dress on those very steps. I still am amazed that at 24 I made a good decision like marrying this redhead. The grace of God. That is all I can say. I have been thankful for and marveled at that decision every year since.

Here’s the thing. I would do it again. Not because it has been easy. It hasn’t. Good but not easy. We now have tasted and seen sick, poor, bad, sad and a bit of ugly. But, there is something about choosing to do life with the same person. I never doubt who is going to be by my side during each season. He keeps on choosing me and I choose him.

Our new photo on those steps – we for sure are not as pretty. Those capri pants were wrinkled from travel and I had been sweating over my peacemaking efforts as momma to my crew. I am pretty sure I wasn’t wearing any make-up and I no longer can count the gray hair in somebodies chin strip. But, I think I will treasure this photo more. It shows us 17 years into this thing called marriage. I know what I am getting into now. I held his hand, gazed into his eyes and said yes again. It grossed out my teenagers and did all of our hearts some good.

We have come a long way in 17 years. I wonder what the next 17 might hold and am thankful that this redhead will be by my side. Choosing him one ~~year~~ day at a time.