End of the school year post & a new addition

It was about this time last year that I began to order our homeschool curriculum for the 2018-2019 school year. We were looking forward to being a part of a co-op with two other expat families that was being led by two amazing teachers. We thought the plan for the year was set. Ha! This school year we have schooled in three different countries on two continents, lived in five different apartments/houses, and said good-bye to our co-op friends and teachers. Basically, we stopped and started homeschooling three times. It has been nuts. We survived and I am so very proud of our kids for hanging in there.

We have finally come to the end of this long crazy homeschool year so I am marking it with my traditional “end of the school year update on the kiddos” post – where I ask them about their favorites and what they feel has been their biggest accomplishment for the school year. Long post warning. We have a lot of kids and somehow these posts seem to get longer every year….including this year. We have had a new addition to our homeschool family!

Ace: Our newest addition – 14 week old super puppy.

Favorite food: Puppy Chow
Favorite book: Lassie Comes Home (just kidding!)
Favorite subject: digging
Biggest accomplishment: being house trained in the last month of our homeschool year.

Just becuase we are not crazy enough, we thought we would add a puppy to the mix. All joking aside, it has been a great decision. He is a super sweet sheltie who has quickly become the kids’ best friend. Nothing will help a big transition better than a puppy friend.

Moe: Pre-school player

Favorite food: pepperoni
Favorite book: Anything Dr. Seuss
Favorite pass time: Playing games, especially Candy Land and Dinosaur Escape
Biggest accomplishment: Cutting up a dead frog.

This little guy is sure that he is ready to “do school” too. He is often pulling out paper and markers drawing and “writing” his name and wanting to jump in to what the other kids are doing. Recently he pulled on gloves to help Roo dissect a frog for her Apology Biology class. Maybe there is something to be said about being the youngest of six. He might just learn all of this stuff by osmosis and I won’t need to homeschool him at all! Mom would be content to let him just hang out in the space of being the youngest and not needing to do school work. It is pretty delightful to snuggle up on the couch and read The Cat in the Hat and play Zingo with this kiddo. I hope these days last longer.

Little Dude: 3rd grade graduate who always has a knock-knock joke ready for the telling.

Favorite food: noodles
Favorite book: Jackie Chan Kung Fu Aventures
Favorite subject: Math (Thank you Teaching Textbooks!)
Favorite pastime  watching Curiostiy Stream. (This child will watch documentaries on dinosaurs and ocean life — on loop!)
Biggest accomplishment: Reading 10 hours in one week and learning to ride a two wheel bike.

This year while in Thailand he mastered riding a two wheel bike. This skill is even more significant if you know his story. When he was three, his physcial therapist said he would never be able to ride a bike due to the nature and shape of his residual limb. She had no idea of the spirit that is in this kid! I am so proud of him for pushing hard against what seem to be physical limitations. He throws his legs out to the side of the bike when he looses balance using his core to center himself. It is amazing to watch. He is facing some new medical/physical challenges. When we talked to him about his upcoming surgery and figuring out some new issues with his residual limb, he simply answered, “We’ve got this.” He is so strong and optimistic.

Little Monkey: 6th Grade graduate

Favorite food: Fruit with Chinese rice and dishes as a close second.
Favorite book this school year: Mara the Daughter of the Nile by Eloise McGraw
Favorite subject: Literature. This girl loves to read.
Biggest Accomplishment: Writing two research papers and making new friends at each step of our journey this year.

Little Monkey is one of the most responsible, steady and careful children I have ever met. What a gift to have her in our lives and to see her grow through all of our transitions. She is proud to be old enough to volunteer at Vacation Bible School and to to be a helper in the church nursery.

Roo: 9th Grade graduate

Favorite food: “real” Chinese food
Favorite book: Anne of Green Gables series
Favorite subject: Art
Biggest Accomplishment: She feels that it is harsh to call anything her biggest accomplishment.

Mom would say her goal of reading and painting her way through the Old Testament was a lofty goal that she achieved. (My Father’s World – Old Testament Challenge. She added the painting part.) Her paintings are amazing. Moving back to the States may have been the hardest on this girl. She loves Asia and hopes to make it her permanent home in the future. Her passion and desire to live life following hard after Jesus is an inspiration to this momma.

 

B:  Working hard to catch up to Roo

Favorite food: Anything Chinese
Favorite book: The Harry Potter Series – He read them all in Chinese this school year.
Favorite subject: Math

Biggest accomplishment: traveling to Thailand and having a first “real” Christmas. (Those were his words which I think translate to mean his biggest accomplishment was adjusting to our crazy family and American ways of doing things!)

This guy has been working so hard over the course of the year. For someone who had no formal education until he joined our family, I think it is simply AMAZING that he reads Chinese at a high school level, is reading in English on a second grade level (thanks to the ABeka phonics program), is in 7th grade Math (using ALL English), and is hanging with the rest of our crew with History and Science. I often shake my head in wonder over how he is pressing into academics and succeeding so brilliantly.

As you can gather, B, does not struggle academically – but he is facing several physical struggles due to Spinal Muscular Atrophy. Pending insurance approval, he will be starting medication to help him gain strength – but the medication can only be given via spinal tap. Once he has gained some strength, he will be having a major surgery on his back (hopefully this fall.) So this guy is doing Math and keeping at his English/Grammar lessons through the summer. He doesn’t want to let his medical appointments and hopsital stays get him further behind. Dedication.

Soccer Dude: finished 11th grade and entering the final stretch

Favorite food: grilled brats
Favorite book: Trials of Apollo: The Burning Maze by Rick Riordan
Favorite subject: Psychology
Newest favorite pastime: attending Great Lakes Loons games. Noting better than single A baseball to help you acclimate back into life in the States.
Biggest accomplishment: Surviving the transition from Asia to the States after living there for almost 11 years.

This Dude has been nailing his dual enrollment courses through Spring Arbor University. That is where he is hoping to attend University next fall and major in….you guessed it…Psychology. This mama is having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that we are only a year away from graduating our first kiddo. If you do the math – you quickly realize that we will be starting Moe in Kindergarten at the same time Soccer Dude will be starting university! Our first kiddo almost done, but we still have 13 years to go!

If you have read this whole update – you get a gold star from this teacher. I am impressed, thankful, and blessed to have so many of you who care for our family and enjoy hearing about our comings and goings. Thank you for praying, encouraging, and supporting us along the way. Seriously, we would not have made it through this year without so many people praying for us. Hubby and I jokingly said that we should make t-shirts as a celebration that we survived schooling this year! Here is hoping that the next year is a bit calmer, and trusting it will be equally fruitful.

 

The end of another year

I have a little ritual – to write an end of our year review for homeschool. I started these posts for my mom, but they have morphed into a memento of sorts for me too. I love looking back and seeing how far the kids have come over the year….and even taking a peek at years past.

With a son who will be entering his 3rd year of high school, now more than ever, I feel the need to really slow down and recognize how far we have come. We started this homeschool journey when Soccer Dude was entering 1st grade. With a few years off while we lived in Kentucky, we have been at this for 8 years. Actually, I should write a post about how far I have come as a home educator. I knew nothing back then! Maybe I will add that for next year. For now, I am celebrating the end of another year.

Here is a peek at what the kids have learned this year, where they are headed, and some encouragement to myself that we have accomplished a lot during this crazy year. Wohoo for another year in the books!

Moe: Age 3 (our pre-school comic relief) This guy is everyone’s favorite. Each of the big kids take a turn playing with Moe as I homeschool. That really is one of the only ways I can keep sane while homeschooling 5 children with a pre-schooler under my feet. What started out as a chore (babysitting) turned into the privilege everyone fought over. Moe is just fun to be with. Play dough, reading picture books, forts, light saber fights…the kids all love finding ways to keep their three year old brother entertained during school time. You can bet that he also entertains us as he pretends to be a cat or a kangaroo.

Favorite subject: trucks and tractors

What he wants to be when he grows up: Grandpa

Favorite food: hot dogs

Biggest accomplishment: Moe has been in our family for just a bit over a year. Hard to believe when you hear him talk. He rocks English. He narrates EVERYTHING. “Look. There is a truck coming. That is a big truck. I like trucks. Mom, do you like trucks? Trucks can go over speed bumps.” On and on it goes, in perfect english. He is amazing.

Little Man: (Our 2nd grade graduate.) This guy is as smart as he is hilarious. He has taught me more about dinosaurs and the Jurassic period then I ever have cared to learn. He also can pronounce more dinosaurs names than I can.

Favorite subject: Math and geography (because he can do it fast.)

What he wants to be when he grows up: Archeologists

Favorite food: Chinese noodles

Biggest accomplishment: Little Man attended an art class that I taught for local kids. This year I have seen his Chinese language skills improve, his ability to make local friends has improved and our outgoing dude is blossoming. During one class I caught him challenging the boys to see if they could stomp on his foot hard enough to make him cry. I couldn’t help but laugh at all of the boys who were in awe over how strong Little Man is – none of them can stomp hard enough on his fake leg to make him flinch! I wonder when he might show them that he wears a prosthetic! That is our Little Man for ya.

Little Monkey: (completed 5th grade) It might be time for a new nickname for this sweet young lady. She is growing and maturing so quickly. It is fun to see the person she is becoming. We spent a chunk of time this year helping her determine her talents, gifts, and what she enjoys doing. She feels most comfortable following her big sister’s footsteps – but it has been fun to see her come into her own a bit this year.

Favorite subject: Geography and literature. It is even better if those two things are combined.

What she wants to be when she grows up: unsure

Favorite food: rice

Biggest accomplishment: urged on by one of her best friends, Little Monkey has determined to practice piano enough hours to make herself an expert. Based on the idea that 10,000 hours of practice can make you an expert in a field – she has upped her piano practice time in hopes that she can be an expert before she is mom’s age!

Roo: (will be starting High School in the fall!) This girl loves the arts. Painting, drawing, playing piano, knitting, crafting….you name it. Our home would not be the same without this creative spirit who is always pressing us to do school in a new way, bringing a creative twist to our lessons and thinking of some new fun way to entertain her brothers.

Favorite subject: She would say art and that she hates math – but really she is very good at math and language. This girl can diagram a sentence better than her momma.

As a family we based our homeschooling on My Father’s World’s curriculum “Exploring Countries and cultures.” Roo has loved our family read a-louds that are based on expats who have lived and worked around the world. We were all inspired by the series “Christian Hero’s: Then and Now.” We plan to read many more of them. This year, I have watched this tendered hearted girl fall in love with and have a heavy heart for a particular country and people group. Makes me wonder where she will end up one day.

Favorite food: ice cream

Biggest accomplishment: I will let this photo of one of her art projects speak for itself. I love seeing her art skills develop. This is was an assignment she did after studying famous artists including Van Gough.

B: (Surprise addition to our homeschool crew.) This guy is so very smart. I can’t even begin to put it into words. Our original goal was to slowly introduce him to our educational ways – let him hang with Little Man with 2nd grade work as he learns english. No pressure for him or for me. HA! I saw in the first week that wouldn’t work. We did placement after placement test for math. When he aced the 5th grade placement test even though he has had little formal education, I knew it was going to be hard to keep a head of this kid. He is learning words in math like parallelogram, is racing through Rosetta Stone English and is being diligent in his Explode the Code series.

Favorite subject: Math

Favorite food: gan ban (A Chinese noodle dish)

Biggest accomplishment: acclimating to our family. He has rocked this life change. I can’t say enough about how strong, flexible, kind, and tender-hearted this kiddo is. So thankful that he has joined our homeschooling crew this year.

Soccer Dude: (10th grade graduate – he is half way through High School!) We made a lot of changes in homeschooling this guy. Last year he was enrolled in an online High School. It was a good solid program and he did well, but it was hard on all of us to have him at the computer all day long. So this year, he took two classes online and we went back to traditional homeschooling the other courses. I was nervous at the beginning of the year, but it has been so much better for all of us. I am thankful to be more involved in his schoolwork again, he has taken more initiative in his learning, and we are having some big and good conversations. Who says parenting and homeschooling the teen years are hard? I am learning with them and enjoying this journey….even with the bumps along the way.

Favorite subject: Science (that is a new things this year!)

Favorite food: grilled bratwurst (can you tell he spent more time in the states this year?!)

Biggest accomplishment: Grieving well. This might sound like a weird thing to put here, but seriously this guy has been an example to me. He is leaning into Jesus as he has walked through the grief of saying goodbye to a foster brother he adored and loosing both of his grandmothers. When we transitioned to the States for the spring semester he did it with strength that rarely is seen in a teenager. He has handled it all well and is finishing his 10th grade year with all A’s. I am proud of him – not just for his high grades, but for setting aside his life and friends to help his Papa. It gives me a glimpse into the great man he is becoming.

I have never been so ready for our summer break. It has seemed like a long year and I have often felt that I could not meet all of the educational needs of these 6 souls – not to mention keeping our home going! I appreciate looking back over the year and seeing how God has met all of our needs – the needs of the kids and mine!

I am taking a deep breath and enjoying the beach before it is time to start another round of the Williams academy.

Dinosour moments

Sitting in church on Sunday morning so thankful to be with friends, singing, praying, and thankful to have the opportunity to take communion. I looked down our row with tears in my eyes as Hubby was explaining what was about to happen in communion to our newest son. That is when I happened to glance at Little Man who was happily serving part of his communion bread to his plastic dinosaur.

There are moments. Moments when I shake my head and wonder if all that we are teaching our kids is sinking in.

With my sternest mommy look and my “I mean business even though I am whispering” voice I said. “Little Man, Dinosours do not get communion!”

There are moments. Moments when things come out of my mouth that I can not even believe that I am saying. Really? Do we need to explain this? I looked nervously around to see who was catching my son in the act. While traditions surrounding kids and communion differ, our heritage has allowed children to particiate when ready. We have always been firm believers in explaining sacraments to our kids, and when they believe, we have them participate alongside us. In that moment I could see the other side – why our practice could be questioned!

Little Man’s response to my stern whisper in not such a whisper voice. (He really is our loudest child and is not capable of whispering.) “Mom, EVERYONE needs to be reminded of what Jesus did for us.”

Schooled.

So I let my seven year old finish his communion and share the juice with his favorite T-Rex. There is room in our traditions and rituals for children to show us the way.

There are moments when I realize that this parenting thing is hard, but these kids might turn out okay after all. But then again, as I am typing this my three year old has a plastic triceratops stuck up his nose digging out snot. No spiritual justification for that one. My work is not done.

Miracle Soup

My mother-in-law has shared stories with me on how she managed a home with four kids on a budget. One thing she did – freezing left overs in a carton.  Once the carton was full she would pull it out and make soup.  You never knew what fun soup creation would result.

I kinda feel like this blog post is a bunch of tid-bits from the month of September.  Not really sure what the end result of this post will be, but want to save these precious moments and share them.  Mostly so I won’t forget.

We have celebrated an anniversary this month, Little Man’s 6th birthday, family day for both of our youngest kiddos and some milestones for our upcoming adoption.  It has been a big month.

 

My baby is 6 years old!  We had fun celebrating him with gifts, chocolate cupcakes, and his first ever birthday party.  So much fun to plan a Dragon Training Camp that ended with a piñata (created and painted with much love by two older sisters) that was fought with a sword.  Nothing like watching a bunch of kids swinging a wooden sword while your husband holds a piñata from a broom handle in the living room.  Fun times.  We may also have launched stuffed sheep across our living room at the book shelves and made our own version of corn hole…or feed the dragons.  The whole thing was a hoot.

I was having so much fun celebrating our big, 6 year old, funny, first grade guy…not one tear.  Then a couple of days later he lost his first tooth!  I must admit, that is when I lost it.  He is six.  He is missing a tooth.  My baby is all grown up.  Sniff.  Sniff.

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Maybe that is why I was savoring our “Family Day Celebration” with more vigor and focus.  Little Monkey has been in our family for 6 years this month – Little Man for 4 years.  On the outside it seemed that we celebrated by going to a huge ball pit/playground.  We then ate our favorite Chinese meal out – Hot Pot.  Fun times. Good food.  But, as I watched Soccer Dude carry little Man to the top point of the playground, I delighted.  When I had a little in my arms for a few moments of rest, I savored the warmth of my space in time.  I felt the joy and the miracle of my family that afternoon.  I wanted to hold on and take in the moment. Not to keep the kids from growing up, I have longed since learned there is no trick for that.  I just wanted to remember – never forget – our family that was brought together through pain, sorrow, redemption, joy and a lot of paperwork.

I felt the miracle of it.

I truly feel that every adoption is a miracle and as I watch our children grow and blossom, shaped by adoption (not just my younger two, but all four of my children…heck, me too) I am filled with awe and thankfulness.

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We are on a journey that will take another miracle.  I see the miracles our first two adoption were and I expect nothing less this time around.

We have completed all of our paperwork to submit to China for our next miracle.  It is being authenticated and soon will be on its way from our adoption agency in the US to our side of the ocean.  The next step….to be matched with the child God has for us.

Would you pray with us?  We know that Father has a child in mind for us….and He will confirm who the next Williams will be during this next step.  This will be part of the story of the miracle of our family.  It will be miraculous, life changing, and we are praying hard.

Thank you for standing with us, following our journey and praying. Can’t wait to share our next miracle with you.

17 years and counting

We had been living out of suitcases for at least 5 weeks by the time we hit Ohio.  The kids were fighting in the van and I was nervous about the friends we were about to see in our state of mind.  That is when Hubby pulled onto Brice Road.  We looked at each other and smiled ignoring the chaos.  At a church called Brice 17 years ago, that is where it all began.

We have moved 8 times, finished degrees, experienced two births and three adoptions, lived in 3 countries, learned two languages, and worked countless different jobs since that hot day in September.  I had no idea what I was getting into!

That is exactly what I was thinking as I asked our kids to tumble out of the van to take photos on the steps of the church.  We have a photo of our young selves all dressed up in a tux and white dress on those very steps.  I still am amazed that at 24 I made a good decision like marrying this redhead. The grace of God.  That is all I can say. I have been thankful for and marveled at that decision every year since.

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Here’s the thing.  I would do it again.  Not because it has been easy.  It hasn’t.  Good but not easy. We now have tasted and seen sick, poor, bad, sad and a bit of ugly. But, there is something about choosing to do life with the same person.  I never doubt who is going to be by my side during each season.  He keeps on choosing me and I choose him.

Our new photo on those steps – we for sure are not as pretty.  Those capri pants were wrinkled from travel and I had been sweating over my peacemaking efforts as momma to my crew.  I am pretty sure I wasn’t wearing any make-up and I no longer can count the gray hair in somebodies chin strip.  But, I think I will treasure this photo more.  It shows us 17 years into this thing called marriage.  I know what I am getting into now.  I held his hand, gazed into his eyes and said yes again.  It grossed out my teenagers and did all of our hearts some good.

We have come a long way in 17 years.  I wonder what the next 17 might hold and am thankful that this redhead will be by my side.  Choosing him one year day at a time.

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that is a wrap.

The day that seemed so far away last August….it has arrived.  We have wrapped up our school year and celebrated with some of our favorite Chinese food, hot pot.  We survived.  Another year of homeschooling in the books and I do believe that we all are a bit smarter.  At least, I am smarter.  That is something to celebrate! (My 5th time through Kindergarten was the charm.  I think I might have passed this time!)

Here is a peek at what we accomplished and how much our kiddos have grown.

 

IMG_0272-2Little Man: Our Kindergarten graduate (kinda)

Age: 5

We started Kindergarten with this kiddo because he was dying to do school with the other kids and frankly we homeschool so we have the freedom to start when the kids want to learn.  Another layer of honesty, he is a busy kid.  Giving him things to learn keeps him busy with the rest of us.  Win.  Win.  Now – what to do next fall?  My grand plan had been two years of Kindergarten, then he informed me that he had passed kindergarten and sure hoped 1st grade would be more of a challenge.  HA!  Now, if he could just learn to sit still in a chair.  Hmmm.

Favorite subject: Geography.  This kid knows crazy facts about the States and can put together a State puzzle faster than I can.  Need to know a capital or in what order a State entered the union?  Ask Little Man.  I am not joking.

What he wants to be when he grows up: A baker or a dragon trainer.

Favorite food: Noodles

Biggest accomplishment: He is well on his way toward reading and knows his basic math facts.  He claims knowing how to add and subtract is not an accomplishment – “You just use your fingers.  Everyone knows that.”

 

 

IMG_0226Little Monkey: Our 3rd Grade Graduate

Age: 9

Favorite subject: Reading and art.  Little Monkey also added piano to her list of studies this year.  She is whizzing through the first book, but isn’t so sure about playing in front of people for the recital coming in a few weeks.

What she wants to be when she grows up: A baker or a teacher (Not sure what is up with my kids all wanting to bake.  I told them I would hire them now!)

Favorite food: Rice

Biggest accomplishment: Learning to read music and completing a special science course that she chose.  If I was giving out end of the year awards, “most diligent” would be hers.  She is so good about staying focused, going down her list of daily work.  She is becoming more and more independent in her work.  Maybe that is what I should have put for biggest accomplishment; she is growing in confidence and character.

 

 

IMG_0316Roo: Our 6th Grade Graduate

Age: 12

Of all of our children, Roo loves homeschooling the most.  I often find her sitting in a corner of her room working away on a school assignment with headphones tuning out the rest of the world.

Favorite subject: Art and piano

Biggest accomplishment: Roo has learned how to use iMovie and is using this new platform to extend her creativity.  Many afternoons, you will find her along with her two best friends dressing up for roles in the latest film they are producing.  She might be creative, but she also is rock’n sentence diagraming.  She can tell you the difference between an IO, DO, OPN and PN faster than any kid I know.  Helps to have a daddy who is a whiz at languages.  (Have I mentioned that my kids are smarter than I am?  Makes homeschooling more and more challenging!)

What she wants to be when she grows up: An artist, film maker, or a beautician.

Favorite food: Broccoli soup and French bread

 

 

IMG_0321Soccer Dude: Our 8th grade graduate

Age: 14

This kid will be in High School this fall.  What?!#  He started his school career going to a Chinese emersion preschool in Michigan.  It seems like yesterday…kinda.  We have all come a long way since then.

Favorite subject: History

Biggest accomplishment: Surviving online classes with North Star Academy.  He took two online classes this year – Math and Language Arts.  It was a huge learning curve, but by the end of the year we were getting in the swing of things.  We are leaning towards him taking a full course load at NSA next year.  It has its pros and cons, for sure, but they offer classes he wants like Latin and advanced science classes.

What I love about homeschooling at this age…the great conversations.  There is nothing like sitting down with your teen and hearing their perspective on what went wrong during the Civil War.  I love hearing his passion for equality, human rights and what he would do differently if he were in leadership.  Add that to his volunteer work with the disabled children at the orphanage….he is going to be a world changer.  Okay, I am a proud mom.  A proud mom who is struggling thru the teen years, but seeing the beauty of them too.

Favorite food: Coke and candy (Keep’n it real, folks!)

What he wants to be when he grows up: He isn’t sure. Actually, that helps this momma’s heart.  He might be entering High School in the fall, but he isn’t ready to launch into the world yet.  We still have some time!

 

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Homeschooling four kids at once.  Check.  Makes me think I can handle five.  Just say’n.

 

 

 

 

 

Saying Goodbye

IMG_6016There was a well worn path in the dirt road from our house to my grandmother’s two bedroom home.  I could make it there on my purple bike with the plastic streamers coming out of the handle bars in five minutes flat if the red-winged black birds in the oak tree at the corner didn’t take me out.  Grandma knew I was scared of those birds.  I told her everything.

 

On one of my visits, she proudly pulled out a large pinwheel.  I was confused when I first saw it. Then she told me I should hold it over my head as I rode to her house.  The pinwheel whistled as I rode my bike and scared those stupid birds.  Nothing would keep us from our afternoon visits.

I’m not really sure how we filled all of the hours we spent together.

She helped me with my homework.  I always was up for a ride to “the city” to help her buy groceries.  We ate red licorice together and painted our nails….always with clear polish.  I watched hours of Gospel Sing TV with her, and she attended every band concert, play, and art show.  She taught me to drive and took me on my first airplane ride to visit the cousins in Florida.  When I was all grown up and traveling on my own, she wrote to me weekly on her old typewriter and mailed me phone cards.

When I was a self-conscious middle schooler, she taught me to sew.  She had this way of making me feel like the most talented kid while at the same time telling me truth without sugar coating.  Her words still ring in my ears: “You don’t have to be perfect.  It will all iron out.”  What seemed like a lesson in stitching a seam on my latest 4-H project, really was so much more.  She knew me and my struggles.

This week, I lost part of my heart.  Alzheimers (what I now call the cruelest of all diseases) has slowly been stealing her from me.  Robbing us of any new memories.  But, I guess I am still the little girl on that purple bike….hoping to race faster than the black birds.  Every time I was able to sit next to her on the couch in her nursing home, I was hoping for one more moment.   We had always been good at sitting together and not doing to much.  I could take in her smell, feel her presence, and pretend we were just watching the Gaithers together.

Even that is now gone.

I have gone back and forth about writing this blog post.  I usually save this space for stories about living and teaching cross-culturally and how that affects raising my family.  I wasn’t sure if writing about the death of my grandmother fit that.

This week, as I have cried over her death, the miles between my childhood home and Asia have felt even longer. I wanted to stand at her graveside.  I wanted to cry with my family, who would understand why I am 40 but a weeping mess over losing my grandmother friend.

 

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But, it is even more than that.

Some of my tears this week are over my mother and my own children.  I am crying because my kids can’t ride their bikes down the road and eat licorice with a grandparent who loves them with extravagance.  In my grief, I question the stolen moments that might shape my own children.

Living cross-culturally, it is what we are called to, but man, sometimes the cost is high.  I want to write and say it is all worth it.  But, honestly, I am not sure if I will ever know if it is or not.

What is worth something…following Jesus and trusting him with my heart.  I guess that means I should trust him with the heart of my kiddos and be thankful for video chats.  So much easier to write that then to truly live it out.

Years ago, Dr. Kinlaw gave a sermon at a summer camp that included a story of a young single woman who was living cross-culturally.  She was asked if she was scared of living so far from home in a strange land by herself.  Her response.  “I am more scared of NOT living where God wants me to be.”  I can’t remember the rest of that sermon. Actually, I am pretty proud of myself for remembering anything from 20 years ago!  Funny, the things that come to mind as you are grieving.  The simple answer that young woman gave….I want it to be my answer as well.  With all my heart, I want to be where God calls us.

Lord, help me in my weakness. Help me when the days are hard and my tears fall in abundance.

Often, when I sat next to Grandma at church, tears would gently slip from one eye.  She joked with me that she had a leaky eye and not to worry.  The one time I really remember seeing Grandma cry was when she said good-bye to me as I was leaving for college.  She sobbed – deep heart wrenching cries as we hugged in the driveway.

Now, I am the one sobbing as I have to say good-bye to her.  There are no promises about Christmas and spring breaks….but I am thankful to know there is the promise of eternity.