Personal growth – Page 3 – Casting A Stone

Twists and turns along the road

Posted on April 2, 2016April 2, 2016 by Tammy

Pizza and catching up with an old friend – two rare treats that came my way last week. This friend, although absent from my daily life for years, has made significant impact on my life. Just been pondering where I would have been. Just been walking down memory lane.

7 years ago (Could it have really been that long?) we were in the throws of adoption paperwork for our little Monkey. The process was taking so very long. We watched other families get approval and travel to their sweet babies while we waited…and waited…and waited. At the same time, a natural disaster had struck in the part of China where little Monkey was living. It was heart breaking, excruciating, mind numbing…and then some.

I remember venting all my woes to my dear friend over dinner in our home. She was the special education director at the orphanage in our city. She challenged me. “Do something while you wait. It will make it easier.” That is where it started.

As I waited for little Monkey, I taught one art class once a week. One class of 8 students. I thought it would keep me busy and give me something to do rather than check my email like a crazy woman, hoping for news about our adoption. Instead, the children in my class helped heal my broken heart; they taught me to serve and to love in a way I didn’t know was possible. It amazes me.

Our journey to adopt had begun as a seed in my heart as a college student. Hubby and I knew it would be a part of our family story from the beginning. What we didn’t know – that adoption would take us on a heart journey that didn’t end with our youngest two children. Our hearts and eyes were open to the world of orphans, children with special needs and we would be forever changed.

I shake my head and laugh as I look back on those times, 7 long short years ago. I thought it was about waiting for our daughter, Little Monkey, to join our family. It wasn’t about the wait at all. I was learning about the Father’s heart.

This was a pretty big twist in my life story. I had no idea the joy my heart would glean from painting with a child suffering with Cerebral Palsy. The surprise was mine when I learned to communicate with a non-verbal pre-schooler with Downs Syndrome. I didn’t know the peace that would wash over me while holding the hand of a child with Autism. I have learned that every life has value and my life is deeper when I see God’s image in each one of His children. Pretty big stuff. It has shaped me.

The twists and turns that my journey with Jesus has taken – they take my breath away. It is easy to see how He was leading my heart as I look back. It gives me courage for the future. I am so sure that there are more bends in the road. He is leading us down a path and we can’t see the end. I want to trust Him. The lessons He has for me to learn…they are good. The road He is taking me down…will make me better. Even when I don’t understand the bends in the path, He is good. He is leading.

Recently, I was asked to share at a conference about how and why I work and live where I do. I laughed at the request. Seriously, I am the last person that should be inspiring others on knowing where God is calling them. As I prepped that talk with honest words of ending up in a place that I didn’t expect, I was reminded again that my story with its bends twists and turns probably isn’t that unique. When we make our own plan…it is just that…ours. He has so much more for us than we ever could hope or dream for. I am living His dream.

I was so desperate 7 years ago. I wanted my waiting to be over, to hold my precious daughter in my arms. What joy to look back and see how God used that time of waiting for so much more. In this season, I wonder again. What will I see with such clarity 7 years from now.

Trusting Him in the journey. Taking one bend in the road at a time.

Silence

Posted on March 12, 2016 by Tammy

Been pretty quiet over here on the blog lately. Oh, we have been doing stuff. Two of my kiddos have celebrated birthdays. We traveled to Thailand for a training conference and some much needed vacay time. That, of course, says nothing about art lessons, orphanage visits, English classes and homeschooling. So there has been stuff. I just haven’t felt like writing about it.

This past Fall I have had my heart broken like never before. I couldn’t really explain it, write about it, or even verbalize it. I just cried. Jesus was taking me on a journey into the depths of his heart and it hurt to weep with him, but that is what I felt called to do. Children who wait for families. Not enough families. Kids without access to medical care or education. Sweet loving children with no hope of a future. Students who have never heard. Not easy stuff and – for sure – not stuff that makes for award winning, light-hearted blog writing.

Through my tears, I have tried to come up with many plans to do something about it all. Maybe I should get my masters in social work in order to have more influence. Should we adopt again? Maybe if we were in the States, we could tell more people about the needs and more families would feel led to adopt or give towards adoptions? How could I advocate more? Is becoming a foster family the way to go?

I want to DO something.

Silence.

More weeping.

I had the opportunity to hold two pretty special kiddos this week. After I teach, I go to the third floor of the orphanage where children who are bed ridden spend their days. They are not able to feed themselves, move from their wheelchairs or beds and many of them are unable to communicate. I go there to help feed these precious souls. I spoon feed them mush, wipe their faces, and rub backs. You wouldn’t believe the smiles that are my rewards.

This week, I walked in and immediately noticed that one of the teens was laboring for breath and was swollen. My heart knew. His time is coming to an end. I sat next to him, held his hand and brushed back the hair from his face as a prayer bubbled up from within me.

Last night we hung out with some special friends who have unexpectedly become foster parents. I took a turn holding the smallest of babies with perfect eye lashes and tiny fingers. I marveled at the perfection, wondered about her future, sighed with contentment knowing that she is in the best of care while she waits. A prayer bubbled up from within me.

This business of weeping – I think it is teaching me to pray.

When I am surrounded by situations that are out of my control and when the river of tears can not be tamed…praying is the only response.

My Crazy Life – December edition

Posted on December 28, 2015December 28, 2015 by Tammy

December is just one of those months. Every year I get so homesick for my extended family and Christmas traditions that I could burst into tears at any given moment. But, every year we have the privilege of celebrating Christmas cross-culturally, I am filled with joy at the opportunities to experience the true meaning of Advent. I could explode over the wonder of it all. My crazy life.

This year was like the others, busy with open houses for students, story telling, cookie baking, Christmas art projects, frosting and sprinkles. It has been breath taking…and so very fun. I really think that this month will go down in the books as one of the best Christmas seasons ever. It wasn’t perfect. I burnt cookies, got overwhelmed by the number of guests that came through our home, and Little Man picked his nose through his debut in the Christmas play. (Friend, that could be a post on its own. My son dressed as a wiseman digging for treasure up his nose. Yes, he saw me give him the “momma stink eye.” Then says to me FROM STAGE, “Just a second, I almost have it!” He then pulled it out and flung it. True story. Sigh.)

So it wasn’t perfect, but there were moments that I will treasure for years to come. I was able to be the first one to share the Christmas story with a student. How perfect is that? Decorating sugar cookies with all of my art students who called the frosting paint and couldn’t keep themselves from licking everything…Okay, a little gross, but oh so priceless. My children hosting and helping. I think that treasure is the one I will ponder the most. Soccer Dude pushing a wheel chair and breaking off bits of cookies to put in the lips of children who are paralyzed. That is a gift.

There are many days that I long for Christmas of the past when I was at home with my parents and eating western food and attending a Christmas eve service. But honestly, if next Christmas would find us back in the States, I would miss what I have here. My crazy life. True story.

Back at it

Posted on September 27, 2015 by Tammy

If you don’t hear from me for the next 12 years it is because I am now homeschooling 4 children and it is kicking my tail! I have now done Kindergarten several times and really thought it would be no big deal to add it to our daily school business. Well reality has hit but we haven’t hit our stride.

All joking aside, we are working hard to get into a rhythm for the semester. Hubby has two weeks of classes under his belt (they are mostly literature classes again with a fun grad class to boot) and I have enjoyed two art projects with my special students at the orphanage. Play-dough and dot markers are a great way to start the fall.

On the home front we are tackling Kindergarten along with 3rd, 6th and 8th grades. Little Man was thrilled at first to have his own shelf of books and to be a “real” student. Three days in he was asking how many days we needed to do this school thing! Reality hits. The girls and I are digging in a bit deeper this year and exploring some creative elements in art and writing that have been over looked in the past. Hoping we can keep up the fun. Soccer Dude is testing the waters with online schooling and enjoying it even though there is a learning curve. Never a dull moment when a notice is posted on the apartment complex door that we will have no electricity when we were scheduled for a Skype meeting with his teacher and he was to do an online math test. In the end, we packed all the kids up and took the excuse to explore a newly opened Starbucks in our city. The kids joked that they felt like they were going to school in the States! I guess we don’t live in the backwoods any more if we are able to order a frappuccino!

All in all – we might not have hit a stride for the fall, but we are slipping back into routine and slowly recovering from our crazy summer. Soccer Dude even let me take his picture at Starbucks. He is looking good (thank you to the plastic surgeon in Detroit!) and all of his stitches have fallen out making eating so much easier. Now, if only we could find an allergy medication to help him with the hives he’s had since the dog bite.

Many have also asked how Little Man is doing. I sometimes forget he had such a major surgery at the beginning of the summer. He is back to his old self running around so much that there already is a crack forming at the toes of his prosthetic. I wonder if there has ever been a package shipped internationally with “foot” marked as it contents. We might ask our team of doctors in Florida to give it a try before we have toes fall off again!

Thanks again for all of your support and prayers as we have transitioned into the fall. His grace has been so real to us over the last few months and we know it will continue to carry us.

Home Sweet Home

Posted on September 12, 2015 by Tammy

Last night at dinner Soccer Dude casually mentioned, ” Hard to believe the last time I ate noodles at this table I didn’t have scars on my face from a dog bite.” It struck me again.

I have joked in the past that travel week for us is kinda like living out one of those sci-fi movies. You know, where you enter a time machine and arrive on a different planet and in a different dimension. We leave a world of grandparents, bagged salad, dryers, large yards with trees (and speaking English!) — to enter a world of friends, noodles, apartment buildings, and a college campus where we teach English and art. They are two totally different worlds and it can be unnerving to hop from one to the other. We really fit in neither, but love both…I struggle to wrap my brain around that, not to mention help my children navigate our two realities.

This summer has been extreme. HA, understatement! We went from our busy world in Asia to a world of hospitals, dentists, immunizations, doctor appointments — and did I mention doctor appointments?

In a way, it has helped us to be more thankful than ever to be back “home.” Surgeries are behind us. Little Man has a new prosthesis that fits and he is running again. (See photo of him during a walk through the woods!) Soccer Dude continues to heal and the stitches are dissolving. Life is moving on. We are beyond thankful for Father’s healing and our ability to come back to our Asian home.

It never felt better to walk in our apartment door. Starting the routine of homeschooling in our own space has been a comfort and facing a new fall has been a joy. There is no way we would be back here without the pr.yer and support of so many of you. It carried us.

A mentor always willing to take a phone call when we needed a sounding board, an ophthalmologist who fit Soccer Dude for contacts the last week we were in the States because his glasses were bothering the wounds in his nose, a pediatrician’s office willing to work us in to talk about hives and swelling, friends who drove an hour to play with us at a park and express their love and concern, friends in Asia calling and sending us gifts, a simple text message saying “we are pr.ying for you”….all these things (plus many more I could add to this list) carried us and reminded us of the love of a Father who provides.

So when we are weary from jet-lag, facing another busy semester after a crazy summer, when Soccer Dude breaks out in hives again…we have no doubt Father will provide.

Wow! This post has been full of lists! I am sure you could make your own list. How is Father providing for you this season?

Another Year

Posted on June 11, 2015June 11, 2015 by Tammy

A lego set being put together, a blanket tent in the living room, audio books and an afternoon baseball game all mean the same thing….homeschool is done for another year and my kids are enjoying their free time today. We haven’t just survived 7th, 5th, 2nd and pre-school…could I say that we have thrived this year without sounding prideful? I am proud of what I have learned as a homeschool parent and am thrilled to see how the kids are advancing.

It has become a yearly tradition to post the milestones of each child at the end of our school year. Here goes for 2015!

Little Man our 4 year old pre-school graduate

biggest accomplishment: knows all the letter sounds, knows all the books of the Bible and stopped sucking his thumb!

favorite food: noodles

What he wants to be when he grows up: a race car driver

I am kinda against homeschooling pre-school….but, he wanted workbooks to use when the other kids were doing school work. I gave in and bought him workbooks. It is crazy how much he has learned just by “sitting in” and listening to the big kids. I really think we could not school him at all. The last one is the easiest….I guess! 🙂

Little Monkey or 2nd grade graduate

biggest accomplishment: reading everything she can get her hands on! We also are proud of her for pushing through her shyness to take an art and dance class.

favorite book: Pippy Longstocking

favorite food: a Chinese dish made from sliced potatoes and rice of course.

What she wants to be when she grows up: a baker or a teacher

Proud of this girl who is learning to be more independent. Her favorite thing is still to be close to mom. She is our rule following, stable, steady one. She is stepping outside of the box and creating things with legos without a manual and she loves to go on adventures through reading in books.

Roo our 5th grade graduate

biggest accomplishment: she fell in love with science through astronomy this year. She also continues to improve her artistic abilities adding music via piano to the mix.

favorite book: The Bronze Bow

favorite food: dumplings (the Chinese kind not the southern kind)

what she wants to be when she grows up: a beautician or an artist

It is crazy how artistic this girl is. She is always thinking outside of the box and pushing to do it like no one else. She and little monkey truly are best friends and they compliment each other so well. She loves listening to audio books as she is painting. We finally found a spelling curriculum that has helped her (and her mom) – Spell U See. Love it.

Soccer Dude our 7th grade graduate

biggest accomplishment: He has always hated writing, but this year decided for every writing assignment he would write a poem….because they are shorter! HA! Turns out he really can write some amazing poetry.

favorite pass time: training and playing with his lovebirds

Soccer Dude is our history buff and he loves reading anything he can get his hands on. It seems so crazy that we are starting to plan for High School. But then again, I knew this was coming….it is taking me longer and longer to prep his lessons. There are a lot of cob-webs I have needed to dust out to remember what I learned in 7th grade! We are planning on him doing North Star next year. We are hoping this online school might be a good fit for him and will be what he does for High School.

I close with sharing one of his poems with you.

I Made a Big Decision – by Soccer Dude

I made a big decision a little while ago.
I don’t remember what it was, which probably goes to show
That many times a simple choice can prove to be inconsequential
Even though it might seem essential.

I must have been distracted when I left home because
Left or right – I’m sure I went (I wonder which it was!)
Anyway, I never veered; I walked in that direction
Utterly absorbed, it seems, in quiet introspection.

For no reason I can think of, I’ve wandered astray
And that is how I got here today.

Unexpected guest

Posted on June 2, 2015June 4, 2015 by Tammy

We had talked about it. Prayed about it. Wondered when the right time would come…and then it just happened. We began our journey as foster parents. The foster care director at the orphanage called with a need for short-term care for 1.5 year old little girl, who we happen to know and adore. Her foster parents needed to travel for work before her adoptive family could complete her adoption.

But there is more to the story.

Let me go back to my first day in the orphanage after a three year break. I was given the full tour that day. So much had changed including how open and accepting the nannies and teachers were of my presence. Part of that tour included the baby room. I had never stepped foot in that room. I was trying hard to keep my wits about me as I was handed a new baby brought in that very week.

“You have experience with your son with one leg. You have four children. This new baby has no ears and isn’t eating well. What do you think?”

What did I think? I was in awe over the tiny perfect little girl who was new to the orphanage. We shared something – both the newbies. I have prayed for her ever since, expecting great things for her.

She is our first foster daughter.

Full circle.

We share something.

This time I am the lone newbie. To her I am just another stop along the wait for her forever family. Poor baby. She is my guinea pig. I really am not sure how to do this foster care thing. Loving this little girl is nothing like I have done before. I am caring for her as if she is my own, knowing that she is a guest. It is the ultimate act of hospitality and through her I am seeing a new side of love. It is hard, but it is good.

Little Man wasn’t so sure about inviting another little into our mix, but he now is asking, “Do we really have to give her to someone else to be adopted? We are a forever family!”

She is teaching us that you can love someone like family for as long as G.d places them in our lives. She is reminding me that I love babies and showing us that five kids isn’t too many! She, for sure, is keeping me on my toes as she darts around our house and tries to climb our bookshelves, smirking all the while. She is breaking my heart as she grieves the changes. She melts my heart as she pats my arm while I give her night time bottle, and she makes me feel old as I walk the floor with her in the night.

But more than anything…she is reminding our family that we love not to get something in return, but because He first loved us.

Learning to love again…like a newbie.

Encounter with a birthmother

Posted on March 22, 2015March 23, 2015 by Tammy

A simple encounter at the bus stop that rocked my soul.

I was waiting with three of our kiddos. Par for the course, they were playing and oblivious to all that was going around them. Picture a lot of laughter, noise and a bit of running around my legs. I was enjoying watching them play when I grew self-conscious that we were being watched.

Nothing new about that.

When out and about we are constantly watched. We hear comments like, “Four kids? Really?” and “Are they all yours?” and “They don’t all look like you. Two look like you and two look Chinese.” Usually I take it in a stride. I understand that for a population where one child is not just the norm but the policy, we are bound to draw out comments and stares.

But I had never heard this one.

A middle-aged couple was standing off to my left and I heard the woman comment to the man, “She could be our child.”

A wave of shock rolled over me and before I could think twice, I was starring into the woman’s eyes. I am positive she assumed I couldn’t speak Mandarin and wouldn’t understand the comment she made. To be honest, I wish I hadn’t understood her, looked up or reacted. When our eyes met – both mothers who understand grief and pain that should not exist in the world – the understanding in our eyes was full and real. She stepped around behind the bus stop and hid herself from me. I asked the children to stop playing so as not to make her pain more intense.

There is no possible way this woman was connected to our Little Monkey. Her birth place is hundreds of miles away. We were simply a symbol to this woman. Grief over what could have been? Wonder over what is? Hope that her child is in a family playing with siblings? A memory that had been hidden and now was pulled forward?

The encounter brought forward some emotions that I can forget in the daily routine and joy of life. My joy is someone else’s loss. Just because there are so many unanswered questions surrounding the early years of our adopted children doesn’t make them not exist. There are real people living lives with the memories of children who belonged in their arms.

Weekly, I see the reality of lonely hurting children who live their lives in an institution, and I want to question the people who chose not to care for them. Daily I am blessed by the love of two children who did not grow in my womb and sometimes I lose sight of the painful reality that the people who could not care for the ones I love now may still be out there wondering about them — wondering what their lives are like.

But it goes even deeper.

In relation to the majority of the world, I am a rich privileged woman. I have access to resources, health care, community support, and I have a voice. It stinks that the majority of women…mothers…in the world don’t have all of that…which at times result in some painful realities. It is injustice. When my children are playing around my legs and filling my life with laughter, I want to rage against a world where poverty is real and an injustice.

The woman at the bus stop – she brought my privilege up close and personal.

Those of us who are rich and privileged (dare I say that would be everyone reading this blog) we can do one of two things. Do something with our resources and ease the suffering of the orphans of the world and speak out against the injustice that creates orphans to begin with….or we can pretend.

Pretend.

I have looked into the eyes of orphans living in an institution. I have looked into the eyes of a suffering mother who can not parent her child.

I no longer can pretend.

Out With the Old and In With the New

Posted on March 2, 2015 by Tammy

The smell of rancid meat is a great welcome home. Oh. Yes. We. Did. Our careful selves unplugged the power bar under the desk to keep our $20 printer safe from a power surge in our absence. Well played except that we forgot that our extra fridge also uses that plug. If you can skip the weird factor that our extra fridge is in our bedroom next to our desk/office space that is also in our master bedroom, you can go straight to the fact that this extra fridge was left to us by previous teachers. This used fridge was a welcome gift since tracking down ground meat in this city can be a treasure hunt and when I find it, I stock pile.

We were gone for three weeks. It was a fantastic time filled with great training, renewal, and rest. Nothing like pulling out for a few weeks to give you a fresh perspective. I am sure you will hear more about our trip in the next couple of posts. We came home armed with new resources and a vision to embrace our new semester with boldness and innovation.

Kinda funny how you can be so ready for something new and be hit with the smell of the old as soon as you walk in the door. Actually, we could smell it in the hall of our apartment. So sorry neighbors!

A freezer filled with meat that had thawed and sat in my bedroom for three weeks…Wow! Actually it was the two bags of chocolate chips and the 3 lb bag of coffee that I was saving in that same freezer that brought me to tears…and I never cry. (Okay, that is a lie. I cry a lot, but these tears I am blaming on our late evening arrival and my crazy love of both chocolate and coffee. Oh, Ld deliver me!)

My sweet husband rolled up his sleeves and began to scrub.

It has been two days and you can not believe the smell that lingers. We have tried everything, but due to the “excellent” design of the freezer that has a seam at its back that leads to a 2 inch compartment….well, let’s just say we push on the bottom of the freezer and we see red foam. Crazy.

Today, I gave in. I think we might just need perform surgery on the freezer and saw out the bottom or throw it out.

Not that I am over thinking this rancid meat as I come home thing….but, it really feels so ironic. Sometimes all you can do is throw in the sponge.

Hubby starts his classes today. He again has been assigned the literature classes with the added bonus of being asked to teach more freshmen on a second campus. My classes start tomorrow. No new students for me….the same sweet kids will be eagerly greeting me as I enter the orphanage halls. So, what is my new? Oh, that I could put into words what is taking place in my heart. I guess all I can say is that I have new depths in my heart. I am being broken so that I can love even more deeply.

I also might be shopping for a new freezer.