Sweating it out with my teen

My goal – is to thrive as a momma of six babies, not just survive. At times that feels like a lofty goal. I mean, come on, there are a lot of lessons to teach, mouths to feed and oh the mounds of laundry.

One of my tricks for thriving (besides praying, daily devotions and talking with my hot husband) is exercise. I learned about three years ago that 25 minutes a day of aerobic exercise really is a game changer for me. I sluffed off through our crazy season and just decided that it was time to become religious about my daily workout…again.

The struggle is real – when I am homeschooling 5 children with a pre-schooler on my hip, trying to keep everyone fed, trying to keep the peace and my sanity to boot….well, finding 25 minutes in my day can seem like an insurmountable task. The other day, I pulled out my weights and my workout video and set myself up right next to B in the living room. I usually like to hide in my room and tell the kids that I can’t talk and do knee lifts. But, I was running late – again. B needed to do his physical therapy excercises and he does better if I am right with him – but I saw my morning slipping away and I really wanted to get my workout done too.

We have started physical therapy with B. It has been a long on-ramp with some bumps along the way as we have begun to figure out what he needs and how to help him to reach his healthiest. There have been days when I have wondered if I am the best for this job, and if I am being honest, it has caused me some stress.

I handed B the bar that he uses for his arm lifts and started my workout. He laughed as he watched me huff and puff. “What are you doing?”

“Exercising just like you.” I told him. “Today we are doing it together.”

For several moments, He watched me as if I was a crazy creature, but then he started on his reps too. I would pause my workout to switch him to his next excersice and he would exclaim – “Keep going, mom!”

There was one point when he was laying on the floor while I was also laying down….”I can do that one too,” he told me watching me lift my arm weights. It was his best at home physical therapy yet. He mimicked my exercises and laughed at my air punches and kicks. There is something about doing things together.

Modeling life for my kids. If I want them to exercise – then I better be at it myself. Reading their Bibles, then I need to let them see me doing it.

If I leave my cup laying around, you bet your bottom dollar they will do the same. That is the easiest one for me to tackle. Harsh words, impatience, judgmental comments. Let’s just say I struggle with more than keeping a daily exercise routine. I don’t want my kids to struggle with the same weaknesses.

Chores with joy, serving willingly, loving our neighbor, forgiving, passionate worship, sharing, standing with the oppressed…These are what I hope for my children’s lives. The question is, am I living it out in front of them?

Recently while riding in the car with my dad, I heard a random quote on the Southern Gospel station of the radio. “Teens have a hard time listening to their parents, but they are good at imitating them.” My dad laughed out loud. I am sure he was picturing some of the rowdy kids from his days of being an elementary principal. I didn’t laugh. With three teenagers in the house, I for sure hear the truth of this statement ringing loud and clear. Sobering and a bit scary, if I am being honest.

The success of physical therapy this week has me thinking. What am I modeling for my kids? What do I want them to see? Are their some of my habits and behaviors that I should change that would result in a positive change in their immitating behaviors?

This week, I am going to let my kids see me exercise. Humbling. A bit embarrassing. But frankly, I want my kids to see that it is important to work at being healthy and to take care of ourselves.

Sweating it out with my teen today, but I don’t want to stop there. Praying God gives me the wisdom and grace to keep modeling how to live life as a Jesus follower to the most important people in my life. That will help us all to thrive.

No pity hugs, please.

I am new at this – but I am not. Maybe, I just feel new to being a mom to special ability kids because I still fumble to find the right words. I don’t think quick enough on my feet to diffuse a surprising situation, and I am still shocked over how folks will treat someone they see as disabled.

I want to start by saying that I don’t intend to rant or rave. I am not complaining, and I am not sure a blog post is the place to really help anyone understand kiddos with special needs. Inspired by this post, I realize that we have to tell the stories of our amazing kids. I really think that many people have not spent time with kiddos who might be labeled in society as disabled. So, I hope this post can serve as a peek at some of the things we face, comments that are made, and what we experience.

Little Man has spent times in and out of a wheelchair leading up to and after re-amputation surgeries. We always have to find a new rhythm. During these times, I realize anew how inaccessible the world can be to those who are immobile, as well as how unaware folks can be.

For example, there is one handicapped stall in the bathroom. Four other stalls are unoccupied, but for some reason the handicapped stall is being used. The desire for extra leg room means that Little Man has to wait unnecessarily to go to the bathroom. What stall your choose in the bathroom…it matters.

At the grocery story, children point, stare and ask rude questions like, “What is wrong with you?” – and all the while the parent stands by gawking. Saying nothing. Word choice matters. Body language matters. I so wish in these situations (Yes, I did mean to make that plural. You could change the location from grocery store to park, church, beach….it happens everywhere.) I wish I could pull the child and parent aside – smile and say- “Let’s not use those words. How about you ask us about the bandage or about the wheelchair?

At times even when comments aren’t made, folks will turn away (or even run from us) hoping to avoid uncomfortable situations or words. Like one day at the park when Little Man’s leg falls off coming down a slide. A child sees his leg flying down the slide first. She screams. Cries. Instead of helping his daughter engage and understand, her dad grabs her by the arm and literally runs. Their park visit cut short because they just weren’t sure what to say or do when my son’s leg came off at a bad time.

I am not new at this. We have been learning the language to use. Preparing our children how to be kind even when those around us don’t exactly know how to handle us. I step in to explain and hopefully help those we encounter to see the world through the eyes of our kiddos….just a little bit. Our goal is for our kids to understand that they are special, loved, unique. There is nothing wrong with them.

So, I thought I was ready. A teen in a wheelchair kinda fits with my experience.

But, not really.

I wasn’t prepared for everyone who really is trying. They want to connect – to include our son in conversation and to help him experience things around him. I think folks just don’t know how to do that. They look at him and wish his life was different – that he didn’t have to be in a wheelchair – and wonder why life handed him this difficult hand. (In other words – pity.)

I truly want to believe that this all comes from a very good place in the hearts of people – but there are just a few things I wish I knew how to change…..

I am walking through the store with two teenage sons. If you wouldn’t dream of patting my other teenage son standing beside me on the head, then please do not consider doing that to my teen in a wheelchair. No head pats. It also is not appropriate to push his chair for him, to offer to help with wheelchair transfers, to ask about his medical condition, to lean down into his personal space or to hug him.

(Frankly, hugging is a big deal. No pity hugs. No. No. No. And actually while we are on the subject – not pity waves, no pity hellos, and hold all pity comments to yourself.)

Why? Why do I become tongue twisted when a woman at church leans down to my teenage son kisses him on top of the head and hugs him? My son who she had never met before. My son who is in a wheelchair and can not lean away. That, my friends, was a pity hug. A hug that says I wish life wasn’t like this for you.

I appreciate the sentiment and the effort, but I really wish I had the chance to have a redo with this woman. I would explain to her that my son has strength, perseverance, and a good attitude thru tremendously difficult situations. I’d invite her to sit with us and get to know how amazing he is…just the way God made him. I have learned so many things from him. I know this woman could too – then she would be in a place to give him a real hug.

At an airport playground a boy came up to Little Man who was wearing shorts and pointed to his leg. “That is weird.” He said. My son replied….”It isn’t weird. Let me show you.” He takes off his leg and starts to hop. “My super power is that I can hop longer than anyone else.” The little boy and his brother stood and stared. I was biting my nails wondering when I should jump in myself. Then I heard the words….”Wow! That is so cool!” Before this lion momma did anything in defense of her cub, Little Man had half of the kids in the play place hopping on one leg. He did out last them all. The next hour was filled with good play. That is how change happens. Weird turns to cool. Pity never takes root. Abilities are seen and applauded.

B won’t be having hopping contests at a play place, but you can get to know him too. He enjoys conversation. You can do this by taking a step back so you can look him in the eyes, pull up a chair next to him or even squatting down next to his chair. (Not sure if I can explain, but that is all very different than leaning down into his space.) Listen to his newest tongue twister – he loves finding new ones in Chinese and now in English too. He loves playing board games and going for walks. You could hold the door for us. Let B carry your bag. He loves helping and is awesome at teaching folks new words in Chinese if you are interested in learning.

Hopping along side my one legged wonder or sitting next to my strong teen – that is where you will find hope alive. Those are the positions that make change happen. Help us write a different story – a story of open communication and seeing things from a different perspective.

A birthday to remember

I am one of those moms. You know the type. The sappy (let a few tears drip into the frosting as I make cupcakes for my babies who seem to grow a year older behind my back) momma. But this birthday celebration – a few tears did not do it justice. Every time I looked at our new son on his birthday, tears sprang to my eyes.

We have missed 13 birthdays with this boy. 13. Adding emotion to that fact, we have been counting down the days to this 14th birthday. It was the deadline. If we did not have all of his adoption paperwork completed by his birthday, it was a no go. By Chinese law children are unadoptable at their 14th birthday.

We adopted him 10 days before his birthday.

Can I just type that sentence one more time so that you can feel the force of its drama? 10 days before his birthday he got a family. His miracle (and ours) happened 10 days before it was too late. That is worthy of many grateful tears from this momma. Amen?! Call me sappy if you want.

We enjoyed celebrating our new son on his 14th birthday which happened to fall on Chinese New Year’s Eve due to the lunar calendar. We made cupcakes and had gifts, but added making dumplings (traditional Chinese New Year food), staying up till midnight and setting off fireworks. It is a birthday, for many reasons, that we won’t forget.

A few more photos of our dumplings and Chinese New Year celebration….

and a few more words about how our transition is going.

We were preparing for a rough road with a teenager who hasn’t lived with a family. Instead, we are experiencing grace filled days with a delightful young man who is embracing his new life….and our family. We feel incredibly blessed. Maybe it is the honeymoon phase – but we are taking every moment and storing up these sweet memories that will be treasured and will help if harder days come. We would appreciate your continued prayers as we get to know each other and find a new normal for our family. We are starting the Chinese New Year with thankful hearts for all that God has done to make our family and with great hope of all that will come to pass in this year of the dog!

Family Day

This is the story of a 13 year old boy who joined our crazy crew.

If I am completely honest, the story of this child being added to our family is one that I can only fully tell sitting at my kitchen table over a cup of coffee with extra sugar and cream. Even then, I am sure I would struggle with the words to describe…..the surprise factor. Miraculous provision. Hurdles that God overcame. Agencies willing to work over time on our behalf. Generous friends and family. Anxiety over the unknown – sweet confirmation in the face of the fear and grief. Obstacles. Tears. Victory.

Oh, the stories I have to share.

Friend, until we meet for coffee, these photos and few words will have to do. They will give you a peek at the miraculous adoption that took place.

I have never been so relieved to be in a government office signing papers and pressing our fingers into red ink. We promised to care for and not abandon the teen, who sat next to us taking it in silently with wide eyes. As the translator explained to “B” what we were signing, my hands shook as so many thoughts came to my mind. “Can he understand that we truly mean the promises we are making? How long will it take for him to trust that we are the forever deal?”

I thought that signing the papers felt big to me, but as I watched this brave, strong boy sign his own name as he agreed to enter a new strange life, I cried. I cried because of the hurdles had been crossed to make this possible. God had brought us together. I sniffled because a child should never have to sign this type of paper. My heart screamed at the idea of all that had happened before this day.

A child being without family is an injustice – everything that leads up to it should not be. But there is redemption. When I look at the smile on B’s face in this next photo….when we were holding the book that gives him our last name…it reminds me that there are second chances at love that only come about through grace.

A new beginning with three brothers and two sisters and some crazy white parents – that might just take any strong person down. But this guy entered our family and home with a quiet smile and a determination that puts me to shame.

We spent our first afternoon playing games and getting to know each other on these new terms we have agreed to. I am not sure what I expected, but for sure I didn’t think he would be laughing over Uno and Quick Cups. I never dreamed he would be calling us mom and dad. I never would have pictured him leaning in to tell his new sister a joke with a gleam in his eye.

We celebrated this new chapter in our lives at our favorite Chinese restaurant- Hot Pot. As a party of 8, we now fill a whole table by ourselves. I took it all in wanting to treasure the moment in my heart – all of us together.

As joyful as a new beginning can be, it also means an end. Our brave new son needed to say goodbye to the home he has known for the past nine years. The next day we walked the halls of the orphanage handing out small gifts trying to help B find a bit of closure.

The story I wish you all could hear and understand – it would be a story of the generosity and love that I witnessed as the children and nannies said goodbye. I wish I had a photo of the teen (who will never be adopted because he was not chosen before his 14 birthday) who pressed a few small bills of Chinese currency into the palm of B’s hand stating “Good luck in your new life.” I wish you could see the hat that another teen gave – a teen who B calls “big brother.” I can’t describe the tender moments of his teacher who cried as she hugged his neck. And for sure, I can’t even describe how wrecked my heart was by his nanny. She pulled me aside sobbing – “I will miss him. He has been like a friend. But I can’t tell you how happy I am that he is saved from a lifetime in the institution. Do you know how bad the place is where the 17 year old kids go?” She cried as she shook my hand saying, “Thank you for taking him.”

Over the past month, I have had a heightened awareness of joy and grief and how they go hand in hand. My heart has struggled to comprehend my deep grief as I said goodbye to my mom, but the sweet relief and joy I felt at knowing her struggle was over. I am over 40 and I can hardly handle the depths of those two emotions that stand side by side in my life.

As I look at my new son, I see the joy and the grief that co-exist. I understand it in a way I never did before. How hard it must be at 13 years old to say goodbye to all you have known, even when you understand something as good as a forever family is waiting for you.

Our first days together have been great. He is accepting us, trying all the crazy American food that I serve him, and learning all the rules to the games the kids pull out to teach him – but please do pray for him. Pray that he feels comfort and peace that go beyond his understanding. Pray he is able to experience new joy every morning. Also please pray for us – that God will guide us in knowing how to love and care for him well.

On Monday

On Monday I will become a mom again. Since this is my 6th time, you would think it would be old hat. But, there is something about it. By birth or by adoption when the time comes for a precious soul to be placed in your care, there is fear and trembling as well as joy and anticipation.

I will never forget walking the halls of the hospital in labor for Soccer Dude, our oldest. I knew my life was hours from changing. Then as I dressed him to take him out of that very same hospital two days later, I realized that I didn’t have a onesie to put on him under his perfect going home outfit. I wasn’t sure how to buckle the crazy car seat carrier thing. I looked at all the bags and stuff we had to carry to the car and panic started to set in. “I don’t know what I am doing?!” And I really doubted the sanity of the medical profession, “Do they really let me just walk out of the hospital with this kid?! Don’t they see how unqualified I am for this job as mom?!”

A hospital or a government office…the feeling is the same. We prepare for months for this (okay, a lot faster for this adoption! 14 weeks from start to finish. Our adoption agency is freak’n awesome and God has moved mountains!) We have done mounds of paperwork, I have clothes ready and a new set of bunk beds added to the boy’s room – but there is still part of my heart that is trembling.

The situation with this adoption is very unique. We know the teen that is joining our family since he lives at the orphanage in our city and attends the special education school where I am the art teacher. The orphanage gave us permission to be there when he was told that our family would be his new family. I was so super bummed to miss the meeting as I was in the States with my parents, but happily woke up in the middle of the night to FaceTime for a few moments. Isn’t technology awesome?

Hubby explained that we would like to be his new family. He gave him a photo of our crazy crew and introduced him to what his new life might be like. The news was shocking for sure – B sat and took it all in. He then smiled and said. “I agree.”

Our hearts were so full to hear those two simple words. He agrees to join us and become the newest Williams.

The few precious moments I had with Hubby and B on FaceTime were so good for my heart. I was able to tell him that I was sorry we couldn’t tell him earlier that we wanted him to be part of our family. He simply smiled and nodded.

As my knees quake in these last days before he comes home, I think back to that conversation. He smiled. He agrees. What a unique, special, ordained way to become mom.

You would think that a mom 6 times over would be filled with confidence, wisdom and strength….actually, the more I do this the more I see how inadequate I am for the task of shepherding these souls. The little things like forgetting to pack a onesie for the ride home from the hospital – HA! I know how much bigger the mistakes can get. But I also know who is in control and that His grace is the only thing that can guide me through the task of loving another person well.

Grace. That is what I am asking for in the coming weeks. Pray that God gives it to me in large doses. Pray that God gives it to our whole family in large doses. May this bend in the road of our family teach us to love more deeply and lean into his grace more fully.

Front row seat to a miracle

Who are we to be a part of this miraculous story?

We are beyond humbled and in absolute awe as we see how God is providing for Benjamin to join our family. What seemed impossible is possible. $20,000 came in to pay for this adoption in two short weeks. It is miraculous and we have a front row seat in watching this miracle unfold! Gifts from family who are being so supportive, friends who aren’t calling us crazy (but blessed!) and even gifts from strangers – God has planted the desire on so many hearts to help this teenager find family.

Thank you. I wish I had more eloquent words, because these two small words in no way can convey the deep gratitude of my heart. Your gifts….they have encouraged us. They are making the way possible. They are placing a boy in a family. One less orphan. They are blessing our family with the treasure of another soul, and they mean the difference between us being able to do this or not. Huge. Thank you.

The paperwork is going at lightning speed and the invoices are rolling in – every need has been met and every deadline crushed. All of our paperwork to adopt Benjamin is being authenticated this week and we hope to have it sent to China next week. (In adoption lingo: our dossier will be sent to the CCCWA and we hope to have a letter of approval soon after.) Everything is on track for our family to grow by one at the beginning of the year. 5 short long weeks.

In between mounds of paperwork and grant writing, we are preparing as much as possible. We swapped bedrooms. The girls are now in the smaller room and the boys are in a room that will hold two sets of bunk beds. (That is a reality I never dreamt for my family!) Little Man feels all grown up in the top bunk with Mo sleeping up under him. I look at the empty space under the other bunk and long for the day to have it filled by the newest Williams. I thought this journey – because it is going so fast – would be easier. The waiting has always been the hardest part for me. This adoption is being expedited – the wait is nothing in comparison, but there is just something about knowing your child is sleeping in an orphanage. I can’t wait for those days to be done.

We would appreciate your continued prayers over this next month. Pray that each step of this adoption is expedited and that we will have Benjamin home by mid-January. Pray for us as we continue to prepare…not just our home but our hearts. A big transition is ahead of us, and we know we will need all the grace and mercy God can provide . Benjamin also is facing unspeakable grief as he leaves one world behind and enters this new one. Pray for his heart – for comfort, healing, and peace.

I hesitate to even write this next part, because you have all been soooo generous, but a few people are still asking how to give and how to help us on this journey. We have been given a matching grant through Brittany’s Hope. They will match dollar to dollar every gift given towards our adoption up to $5,000 which means we will end up with $10,000. 100% of the gifts will go to our adoption as they have generous donors who cover all of their overhead expenses. So if you are still feeling led to financially help us bring Benjamin home, then a gift towards this matching grant would be greatly appreciated. You can give your tax deductible gift here。 You can also share about this opportunity by giving folks this link http://www.brittanyshope.org/seedling/williams With this grant we will be very close to being fully funded. Amazing!

Thanks again for following us on this journey. I hope our next update will be telling you that we have all of our paperwork approved and that we were able to tell Benjamin that he will be joining our family.

Our Big Surprise….5+1=6

IMG_0229If the news we are about to share with you in this post shocks you, well, I can guarantee it shocked us more. We were blown away to receive a phone call from our adoption agency last month.  It was all so surreal that I really couldn’t make sense of the words our social worker was saying.  The agency that oversees all adoption affairs in China had called our adoption agency and asked us to consider adopting a child from the orphanage where I teach.  What?  Our adoption agency went on to explain they have never had anything like this happen before.

A million thoughts rushed through my mind as it tried to register the news.  We don’t qualify to adopt.  Hubby and I had said our family was complete with the five blessings already in our care. Why did they call us?

Wait!  I asked questions rapid fire-trying to gain clarity.  My mind was still trying to register the miraculous open door that was being given to us.  Who do they want us to adopt?  The boy who I have taught and loved for 7 years?   The same boy whose photo has been on our fridge for three years?  The child we have prayed would miraculously have the chance at a family?  The now 13 year old who only has until February to be adopted before, according to Chinese law, he can no longer be eligible for adoption?  That child?  They did his paperwork this summer?  They are asking us to adopt him? Seriously?

I wept.

We prayed.

A second shocking phone call came a couple weeks later.  China surprisingly agreed to grant us the special permission we need to adopt this precious boy, if we were willing for him to join our family.

We sat down with our kids and prayed as a family.  The words of Little Man summed up the feelings of all of our children, “Why wouldn’t we adopt him?  How cool we get to be the chance he has at a family and not to live all his life in that institution.”

Sometimes God uses us to answer our own prayers.

If they had called us and asked us to adopt any other child, we would have said no.  But, it just “happens” that they asked us to adopt the now 13 year old who has been on our hearts for years.  We said yes.  As a family, this is who God has called us to be.  We didn’t go looking to adopt again.  We thought we were done.  God had a different idea.

Who is this child that is changing our plans?  He is “Benjamin.”  Benjamin is super smart and loving.  He likes legos, playing with bouncy balls from his wheelchair, and listening to music.  He is also an absolute ham in my art class, making me and others laugh.  For all these reasons and more, he will thrive in our family.  He will make the most of joining our family and the opportunity for an education.  We have consulted the Western doctors here in our city, and they can help him get the additional medical attention he needs, which has not been possible while living in the orphanage.  To us, he is worth the leap of faith on our part.

We would really appreciate you being a part of his miraculous story.  We have to complete his adoption before his 14th birthday. The adoption process usually takes 11 months.  When you consider both American and Chinese holidays, we are working against a 10 week deadline.

We have about 10 weeks to raise the funds and complete all the paperwork to finalize his adoption.  It is going to be a crazy ride with many miracles needed along the way.

May I be so bold to ask if you might be a part of this journey with us.

Would you consider praying with us that all will be able to be completed in time?  Pray all the paperwork would move smoothly and quickly through the process.  I assure you, this will require miracles.

Would you also consider being part of the financial miracle that will bring “Benjamin” home?  Would you consider giving towards his adoption fund?  If being part of his provision story resonates with you, you can give a tax deductible donation here. We are simply trusting that what is needed will be provided every step of the way. If God is in this, He’ll make a way.

We weren’t looking to adopt again.  We have no idea how the agency that oversees Chinese adoptions knows about us, or why they care if this 13 year old boy is adopted.  It’s a crazy miracle- God has plans.  He moved mountains to make this adoption even a possibility, so we are trusting Him to continue to provide all that is needed to make it happen.  Oh man, is this going to be an amazing God sized story that will bring him Glory.  We feel deeply humbled and blessed to be a part of this story and I know you will be blessed for your part in it too.