Tammy

By His own hand He leadeth me.

Posted on April 27, 2017 by Tammy

The decisions we have been making over the past weeks haven’t been easy. Ironically, the hymn our family has been working at memorizing together is “He Leadeth Me” by Dr. Joseph H. Gilmore. As we move forward one step at a time, we feel blessed to serve a good Father, who even had our homeschool curriculum present us with a hymn that reminds us that His hand is leading us even when life feels out of control.

He leadeth me. O bless-ed thought! O Words with heavenly comfort fraught!

I need that reminder as I pack up the youngest three members of our family preparing for a journey to the States that will not include their dad or siblings. For sure, a two month separation would never be what we would choose (especially right after an adoption) but as we have pr@yed and talked to Little Man’s doctors we feel confident that this is what we need to do.

Little Man, Little Monkey, Moe and I will leave for the States May 8th. We will land in Tampa, Florida where Little Man will have a bone reduction surgery on May 11th. He then will have follow-up appointments over the next month. 6-8 weeks post-op they should be able to start making our guy a new leg. He is looking forward to that. He hasn’t been able to walk for three weeks and he already is tired of us pushing him around in the stroller. He asked me to pack his old leg so that he would have it when he came out of surgery. It wasn’t fun to explain to him that surgery wasn’t the only step towards getting him walking again. The awesome thing about our Little Man – He has a joyful spirit and doesn’t let much get him down. He has been telling everyone that he is excited to have surgery because the hospital has a great playground and the food in the cafeteria is wonderful! That’s our boy.

Hubby and the oldest two kids will join us in the States as soon as the semester is complete – sometime the end of June. We haven’t even left yet and I am already counting down the days. We then will all return to our Asian home the end of August.

Surgery isn’t the only thing that will keep us busy while Stateside. We will be working at getting Mo’s immigration paperwork filed, will apply for his new American passport and be getting him a visa to return with our family to Asia.

We would truly appreciate you lifting up our family through this season. So many transitions, goodbyes, and emotions will fill the weeks ahead. Please specifically lift up:

Me as I travel with an immobile kiddo and a two year old who has never done this world wide travel thing. So thankful for Little Monkey who is one of my biggest helpers! I know she will make the task much easier and more fun as she chats with me along the way.
our new little guy…may Moe handle all of the transitions and continue to feel safe and loved in our family.
for Little Man’s surgery and healing process.
think of Hubby as he continues to teach his classes, finish homeschooling Soccer Dude and Roo, and keeps our home running while I am away.
and last but not least, for our family dynamics and relationships. Two months is a long time.

I know we travel a lot and our lives seem a bit on the crazy side….but really we are a family who enjoys pizza and movie/game night every Friday, shopping at the same veggie stand, and sipping hot chocolate and reading a good book equals an exciting night. Can I say routine? The next four months are going to shake us up a bit – pr@y for us.

A change in plans

Posted on April 4, 2017April 4, 2017 by Tammy

Our one legged wonder can hop as fast as any kid can run on two legs. It makes my heart stop to watch him hopping at break neck speed down the sidewalk of the university campus where we live. I keep thinking he might trip on a bump in the cement. He hasn’t yet. I guess it is just a mother thing- Worrying about things that I should just let go.

He has been doing a lot of hopping these days because he hasn’t been able to wear his prosthesis in over a week. That is a huge bummer for an active 6 year old. He usually puts it on as soon as he gets up in the morning and is running all day.

Almost three weeks ago, just as we were adding Moe to our family, a small lump formed on his residual limb. It has grown and is now the source of his hopping. We had an x-ray taken and sent to his team of doctors in the States and they confirmed the nagging feeling we had – he needs surgery for bone spurs (a similar surgery to what he had two years ago.)

This drastically changed our plans for the semester. We had envisioned a slow semester as we settle into life with five kids instead a trek across the ocean is in our near future. The procedure can not be put off until the end of Hubby’s semester which ends the first week of July and we are not able to have the surgery and have a new prosthetic made locally.

We are looking into many options which include me flying to the States with the kiddos until after surgery, recovery and a new prosthesis is made (about 2 months) or Little Man and I going to the States for the surgery flying back to our home for recovery and then back to the States again for a new leg. Both options kinda stink for different reasons.

We would appreciate you thinking of us as we make decisions in the next week. Until then, I am flying to GuangZhou to finish up Moe’s adoption paperwork. We had planned to do it over Hubby’s spring break and go as a family – but with everything up in the air we have decided to go ahead and get it done. Moe, Roo and I will be gone a week as Hubby holds down the fort with the other kids while teaching. He is a rockstar, but I am sure a bit of prayer for him wouldn’t hurt either!

God has always been so gracious to us and we know that He will see us through this season as well!

Cute bonus photo! My three babies!

Miracle!?

Posted on March 23, 2017 by Tammy

Our new little one is getting used to being rocked to sleep. He (along with most children who are cared for in an institution or group home) was put in his crib with toys and he would play himself to sleep. His group home was awesome, but now he has a mom and a dad.

He laid his head on my chest. It is his new favorite spot – listening to my heart beat. But tonight as he snuggled in close, he raised a hand up to rub my face. As he rubbed back and forth, he said four words over and over and over again.

“This is my mom. This is my mom. This is my mom…”

Lord Jesus have mercy.

Unimaginable.

A two year old claiming me as his own, thankful for my arms, and reminding himself that he no longer is alone.

Of all the waiting children who are hoping for a family – God led us to him. A baby who desperately was ready for a family. Miraculous really. But, I wonder where is the miracle for all of the other babies (and not so little babies) who wait for a mother of their own?

I know the children who wait. You can’t possibly get paint on your elbows alongside the beautiful children who live in an orphanage and not fall in love. They have asked me – “Do you have friends who want another little boy? Why would I not get chosen? Would you take me home?” Some of the kids go as far as to call me “White Momma.” I can’t tell you how often I walk away from that place crying out for a miracle for the sweet ones I leave behind in the classrooms. They were created in the image of God – to love and be loved – yet they live in one of the deepest forms of poverty.

“We think sometimes that poverty is only being hungry, naked and homeless. The poverty of being unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest poverty. We must start in our own homes to remedy this kind of poverty.” Mother Teresa

Some of our friends and family have joked with us about our expanding family. Five is pressing the “acceptable” limits just a bit. My own supportive Mom recently asked when we would start the paperwork for #6. “Oh, honey,” she said “as long as you work at an orphanage, how could you ever be done?”

I am not the only one. I have read story after story of adoptive parents who come to adopt their child and are forever haunted by the orphans left behind. An amazing, raw post just written by a friend of mine could have been my own words of wonder and lament. Where are the miracles for the ones left behind?

Over the past week one of my favorite things to hear come out of our new son’s mouth is “Bao bao,” which means, “Hold me.” I drop everything at that request. He made a game of it today throwing his arms open wide and laughing every time I would make a dramatic run for him. Sweet boy.

His miracle came. Our miracle came. God provided every dollar we needed for this adoption. The approvals were met. Paperwork was completed and my sanity is still in place. We have squeezed another soul into a small apartment, and now there is life to be lived. I catch myself reliving this adoption story. Marveling at the miracle. Soaking in the perfectness of my new one. My heart sighs and is filled with the joy of it.

And my heart cries out and breaks over the injustice of it.

Why do so many still wait, and yet this baby is being held?

Lord have mercy.

There are no words.

Posted on March 16, 2017March 16, 2017 by Tammy

There are no words to describe what it feels like to walk through the corridor of a government office headed to a board room to meet your new child. It is unnatural. You can imagine the nerves of new parents about to adopt and the fear of children who are being led through the same multi-floored building unsure of the new life that will await them.

We had done it twice before – but my heart still wasn’t prepared. Agencies try to prep families. They tell us that even though we are thrilled to be meeting our new little love, they, on the other hand, will be scared. It isn’t usually a happy union, but a meeting of sobs, fear, and unknowns.

Why was I so caught off guard this time?

I was expecting a crying two year old. Instead our little guy marched into that board room like a boss. He was carrying the little photo book we had sent him. The nanny who brought him to us pointed to the photos and asked, “Who are these people?” He told her each of our names in the photos and then pointed to us in the room and said our names again. He walked over to us and happily started playing with the bouncy balls that I pulled out of a special bag.

That was it.

I am not sure there could be a child who was more ready for a family. He has embraced us with open arms and has stolen our hearts. He has shed a few tears and asked for his nanny, but he also has snuggled deeply into my arms, is calling me momma, and is sleeping soundly as if he has always been with us.

This child is brave and amazing. He has eaten our food like a champ. He has sat quiet as a mouse during van rides and through meetings. He counts every time he climbs stairs (up to 30 in Chinese and 10 in English) and has shocked us by sitting for over 3o minutes playing with play-dough or toy trains. He is entertaining his siblings with new Chinese songs and hand motions and somehow they have been the ones to get him to smile quickest and laugh the hardest.

I wondered the most about Little Man. How would he take becoming the big brother? The first night we had Moe, Little Man curled up into my lap and said, “Thanks for adopting him, Mom. He is the most adorable thing ever.” I thought it was pretty darn adorable that he used the word adorable!

We finalized Moe’s adoption after several days in his province. We are now back at home getting to know each other. We will need to travel one more time to finish getting his immigration and visa paperwork for the States, but that can be done in a few weeks.

Tonight, as he snuggled in my arms and drifted off to sleep, I couldn’t help but think about how blessed we are. Three times we have been given precious gifts to parent. Each time I have watched as Father has chosen children that fit so perfectly in our family. One of my favorite things to remind people is that #kidsneedfamilies, but I must admit as I look into his precious face – I need each one of them too. They make me a better person – loving them calls things out in me I did not know were there. I see Jesus in a way that I never would have if I hadn’t become their mom. There are no words to describe that either.

5 in 5 days

Posted on March 6, 2017March 6, 2017 by Tammy

We have travel approval to go pick up our new son!! Next Sunday we will officially have 5 children that bear our last name. (So maybe that is 6 days from today – but 5 in 5 is such a better title.)

The adoption journey really is a roller coaster of emotions, waiting, and wondering. A paper pregnancy that has no due date. It is such a relief to know that the end is almost here. We are trading in a roller coaster of uncertainty and stress for – a bag of grief.

HA!

You thought I was going to say that we are trading in the stress of adoption paperwork for joy and excitement….didn’t you?! Don’t get me wrong. We are over the moon to have the blessing of parenting this sweet soul. He is an answer to prayer, comes to us after much desire and many hopes. That isn’t even mentioning how dearly wanted he is by our family.

But for him….just think of it. The grief that is headed his way in a short 5 days.

Everything he has known is about to change. He is going to be saying good-bye to the nannies that have been caring for him these past two years. Every moment that I have missed with him – they have been there. They helped him heal after a surgery, gave him bottles, noticed when his first tooth was coming through, changed countless diapers, wondered about rashes, bumps and bruises, held his hands as he learned to walk….and so many more life moments. They have been his life. On top of that he is saying good-bye to the other 7 children in his foster home, saying good-bye to his pre-school teacher and classmates, his routine, his food. I am sure you are getting the idea. He is saying goodbye to living in an all Chinese environment and entering a crazy, white expat world. Sad, hard stuff.

There was a time that I CHOSE to leave everything to follow God’s plan for my life. His calling. I said a ton of good-byes, grieved deeply and struggled to fit into my new world. I was an adult. I chose to move – and still it was so very hard. Moe, is taking it a step further. He not only is changing worlds – his whole identity is shifting. He didn’t choose any of this. It wasn’t his choice to become an orphan. He had no say as a ward of the State. He didn’t get to pick us. Again, you get the idea. Tough start to life.

So we would appreciate your prayers in the coming days. Hubby and I desperately need wisdom as we help comfort, love, and learn who this sweet baby is. Would you also pray for Moe, as he grieves? We are claiming the promise that mourning will be changed to dancing, ashes will be made into a crown of glory, and that God can heal all wounds….even wounds on a heart so young. He will survive the hard transitions ahead and thrive! Until then, we are trusting in the Father of the Fatherless to guide us all through this transition.

We are so very excited to have our new son in our arms and we will look forward to introducing him to you very soon! We hope to post updates here on the blog over the weekend. We would be honored if you would follow along and pray for us.

A new slower journey (plus a bonus adoption update!)

Posted on March 4, 2017March 4, 2017 by Tammy

My dad is a story teller. His fish are big, his journeys are long, and they are always uphill.

There is one story I vividly remember him telling me as a girl. I have no idea if this is an original or true story – I just know it made an impression.

His story started with him being a lad on the farm with a chore to complete. (I am sure he used the word “lad!”) His dad gave him a metal bucket to fill with water from the drudge ditch and bring to the big barn. It was a warm afternoon and as he carried the bucket he was enjoying the walk through the golden fields under the blue cloud filled sky. To his dismay, when he arrived at the barn the once full bucket was empty. He set out to try again aiming to please his father. He went faster the second time around, but the pail still did not hold the water from the ditch to the barn…since it had a hole in the bottom. Trying to get his chore done he tried many solutions: running, patching the hole with mud, and a few more that slip my mind. (My dad is a better story teller than I.)

I recently thought of this story during a visit to a guest house in January. It had been a long, hard, but very good semester. Honestly, I think we could safely say the hardest semester we have had living overseas. But, I also wouldn’t be lying if I said that I have learned more in this hard season than in the previous 10 years as an expat. Maybe some day I will be able to tell the story of this semester, but for now you can just imagine me as a lad on a farm running hard trying to get my work done.

My natural reaction to a hard season…work harder, try harder, run faster. The thing is, a bucket with a hole in it won’t carry water no matter how fast you run or how hard you try.

When I took time to slow down, reflect and get real with Jesus – well, the crazy thing is – I think rest is what He wanted to give me. I don’t think He wants me to try harder or work faster. I think He would be pleased if I simply would ABIDE.

I am not good at abiding.

Sabbath. What?!

In general, I am not a disciplined person. But when it comes to the spiritual disciplines, this is the one I am worst at. I blame it on being a perfectionist. I rationalize it away by saying that hard work is good for the soul. I have small children how can I rest? What will others say when they find out I had to take a break?

Really, it is pride. All excuses that keep me from making space to abide.

We took a much needed break. Some very generous souls took over my responsibilities for several weeks to give us a rest and to allow us to attend a training conference. I sat on the beach. I went to bed early. The dear folks who run the guest house for “workers” like us did our laundry, cooked all our meals and just gave us space to rest. We made memories as a family and I read some great books (Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light: The Private Writings of the Saint of Calcutta and In the Name of Jesus: Reflections on Christian Leadership by Henri J. M. Nouwen. Both so very good. Read them. You won’t regret it.) We took space to prepare for the next season, got more training, and fell on our faces before our Creator.

Through it all, I felt a still small voice in my heart asking me to abide – to stop trying harder and just trust Him.

I needed it.

We are now back home and starting a new semester. Not just any old semester, but one that holds many demands, high stakes and a new baby (to us) as well.

Isn’t God so good to give me the generous gift of a break right before another busy season?

As we start classes again, put together a toddler bed, dive back into our homeschool books, soak beans for dinner, and pack for an adoption trip….I keep coming back to the idea that I don’t need to try harder.

We leave to go get our new son in one week…maybe two. Ekkk! (Did you read that little adoption update in this long, ranting, personal growth blog post?! We also have a name for our new sweet guy. Call me. I will tell you! A hint: his middle name is after that story telling grandfather.) With a new little one on his way, life isn’t going to slow down any. I need to slow down my soul. I am taking deep breaths. Going to bed earlier. Reading a few phrases of my book. Smiling. Walking. Trusting.

Abiding.

I am on a new slower journey. Tell me how you abide. I could use some tips!

Birthday Boy

Posted on December 23, 2016 by Tammy

Recently his best friend was adopted and he has been asking when his mother will come and get him.

Be still my heart.

That is the update we received on our newest addition. If it wasn’t hard enough to miss his second birthday…now I think my heart might break for a new two year old who is waiting for me. I thought I was the one waiting. How can a baby understand and want to be adopted? But then again, if I really think about it…I am sure every baby who is left yearns for his mother. Kids need families.

We were able to get a package to him for his birthday along with some Christmas goodies and a little photo album of our family. He got a bowling set – in return we got new photos and more info on the little guy who will be the next Williams. We have learned that he is very verbal, goes to preschool in the mornings, is big for his age, has a temper, and loves balls, trucks and blocks. All of a sudden some of the names we had on our list don’t seem….big or enough! Does he really look like a Moe?

The nanny at his foster home promised to prepare him for adoption and asked us to come for him quickly, “He is waiting and asking for you.” The next two months might be the longest of our lives. We would appreciate you praying for him as he waits, praying for our paperwork to come through in a timely manner and for God’s provision for the remaining funds we need to complete his adoption. David, Ezekiel, Joseph, Levi or Thaddeus. Zacharias, Seth, Jacob or Jeremiah. We could use some prayer for the name department too!

Happy Birthday, Moe. It will be your last as an orphan. Next year you will be in Momma’s arms.

Click here to learn more: https://www.adopttogether.org/williams

More of the story unfolds…

Posted on December 3, 2016December 3, 2016 by Tammy

He will be two years old on December 23rd. He lives in a city that is an easy train ride away from us. He likes to clap his hands when his foster mom sings him “Twinkle Twinkle” and he likes to play with blocks. We don’t know much more about this little guy, but what we do know – He will be the next Williams.

It is a boy.

Our Christmas baby.

Little Man is thrilled to have a brother coming, thinks we should name him Moses, call him Moe and keep his hair in a mohawk. Momma isn’t sold on those ideas.

The countdown is on until we are able to meet this sweet boy and let him know that he has a forever family. We have done so much of the work for this adoption not knowing who we were adopting, it feels surreal to finally see his face.

We want to thank you all again for each donation, word of encouragement, and prayer. We stepped into this adoption knowing we needed to do it no matter what others thought. (Honestly….we kinda thought we might get a few “you are crazy” comments.) But, we have been blown away and deeply blessed by how supportive you all have been.

Thank you. Two simple words, but I really am not sure what else I can say. We mean them deeply.

The story behind the t-shirts

Posted on November 28, 2016November 28, 2016 by Tammy

A very smart, non-verbal, art student who is wheelchair bond with cerebral palsy wanted so badly to paint with the other kids. I tried many ways to help him, but my attempts were unsuccessful. Then one summer someone generously gave us some special paintbrushes with large handles and a bulb on the end. I was so excited to give the brushes a try.

They fit the bill and my sweet friend has been painting up a storm with his very own brush that he can hold. I love the art that he has produced. It reminds me how these kids just need a chance – they have so much to offer and so much value. Seems funny that a donation of a paintbrush can make a child feel remembered, cherished and loved. Truth.

His art work reminds me how a small gift, given in love, can make a huge difference in the life of a child. That is why we are so excited to have Bonfire printing T-shirts that display the flower painted by my student. The proceeds of each sale go towards our adoption fund. So fun. So life-giving. Adult shirts are $20 (women’s slim fit and unisex fit). They are also offering youth sizes and a long sleeve option. They will arrive at your home before Christmas. You can click here to order shirts. There are only 2 days left to buy shirts so that they can be printed and arrive by Christmas.

You don’t wear T-shirts but feel led to give a small gift toward our adoption that will make a huge difference in the life of an orphan and be a huge blessing to our family? You can give a tax deductible gift to our adoption fund that will go directly to our adoption agency to help pay for fees. Just follow this link. Our agency thinks that we could have our new child as quickly as 2-3 months from now! Yeek. There are a lot of fees between now and then so every $5 gift will help.

Thank you so much for considering helping us as we adopt #5 and for remembering my sweet students who are not forgotten by God and who are so very valuable.

Looking for him

Posted on November 28, 2016 by Tammy

We had the sweetest 16 month at our house playing. Just for him, we pulled out baby toys and had them set out on the coffee table. Our apartment is far from baby proof….especially the living room. There is a long entertainment center type table that is low to the ground (complements of the university whose housing we live in) that holds our TV and other fun looking hands off stuff.

What does a smart baby do when he sees stacking cups vs. a dvd player? Why, he crawls straight for the electronics, of course. And when Momma says no to banging on the TV, what does the same sweet boy do? He lays down on the floor and cries huge tears and has himself a ~~little~~ tantrum.

I laughed. It struck me so funny that there was a whole stack of toys that momma would say yes to, but he just wanted what was off limits.

My giggles choked me when I felt God nudge my heart.

Over the past 2 months I have faced some situations that have not gone my way – one of which surrounds our adoption.

We really had hoped that we might adopt a child from the orphanage in our city. Doors got closed. There is no possible way for our adoption agency to get files from this orphanage, which means we are not able to be matched to any of the precious kiddos from the city that is our second home. That is kind of a simplistic explanation to a complicated situation, but it means a no.

I have cried. I have sulked. I have tried to trust God in the midst of it all, but you know what….I kinda was just pitching a big ol’ tantrum. I wasn’t laughing as God told me no…and I was having a hard time accepting the things that He was graciously offering me as a yes. He has clearly been closing doors and leading us in a new direction – we have been praying for clear direction, right?

It is sobering when you realize that you act like a toddler in the faith department.

Don’t get me wrong. I know that God has listened to my woes with grace. He is comforting me and meeting me right where I am at, but He doesn’t want me to stay there. He has a different plan that will be so very good for our family. Our agency has so many children who are waiting for a family, and we are excited to have been approved to be a family for one of them. One day I am going to look back and see how God perfectly was guiding us through this adoption. There is a kiddo out there who is to be a Williams, and we are on the adventure of our lives looking for him. I don’t want to forget even one bend along the road.

I want to mature in my faith – accept a “no” and be filled with peace, joy, and excitement for what God has planned.